April 7, 2025

Pigs Are For Eating, Not For Dating: Lessons on Self-Worth and Acceptance

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"Pigs are for eating, not for dating." This powerful metaphor emerged from my journey through unhelpful therapy, where I was repeatedly told to lose weight because "thin girls get away with more." During this special Autism Acceptance Month episode, I'm sharing raw, personal chapters from my book "Dropped in a Maze" to illuminate the unique challenges faced by those of us on the spectrum.

My story takes you through therapy sessions with Dr. Grey, who despite his expertise in autism, focused more on changing my appearance than addressing my emotional needs. The comments he would make would vacillate between supportive to critical throughout the therapeutic relationship. Instead of making me feel better, it made me feel much smaller and much worse. This only allowed for insecurities to fester until I finally stood in my power and stood up for myself using the tools I had to learn on my own. I learned to validate myself during the 2L (second semester of law school) when my depression hit an all time high after feeling a huge let down.

I allowed myself to put up with toxic friendships due to my lack of self-esteem and vulnerabilities built over the years. I didn't know who I was and accepted anything that came my way. I eventually learned skills that were off putting to others such as how to dine better with proper use of utensils, I learned how to walk better, and I learned about ways to present my best self. Even though it was embarrassing to learn lessons later in life that people learn much earlier, it was worth everything. I was different, I am different, but I am NOT less. At the end of the day, the main person who could ever be your advocate and best support is YOU!

00:00 - Welcome to On the Spectrum with Sonia

02:15 - Reading from "Dropped in a Maze"

05:57 - Dr. Gray: First Therapy Sessions

15:15 - Dating Struggles and Toxic Friendships

24:36 - Table Manners and Walking Lessons

33:55 - Pigs Are For Eating, Not Dating

WEBVTT

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Hello everyone and welcome to this week's episode of On the Spectrum with Sonia, a podcast where we discuss autism spectrum, mental health challenges and anybody who's overcome any significant adversity.

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We highlight these stories so that our audience can feel encouraged, hope, love, connected, especially in a world that tries to disconnect us.

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You know, for today's episode I am actually going to be reading, as a treat, a couple chapters of my book and don't get me wrong, you know I don't want people to feel intimidated by this word chapters because the chapters I'm going to read are very short and easy and entertaining.

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I use my wit in these.

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I have written a book, dropped in a Maze, and because it is Autism Acceptance and Awareness Month, I am going this is my present to all to share in the world, as Dropped in a Maze is about my story.

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It's about being on the autism spectrum.

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It's about challenges I've gone through, but yet lessons I've learned that anybody can use in their life.

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I've learned that anybody can use in their life.

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So, with that being said, I want to start out with this question for everyone, and you'll see why this becomes relevant with what I'm going to read to you today how many of you are aware that pigs are for eating and not for dating.

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Yes, that's the question I have for you all.

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Pigs are for eating, not for dating.

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You're going to find out why right now, starting right now.

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So stay tuned to this and enjoy these chapters and it'll all make sense.

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Chapter 22.

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Nice to meet you.

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Sonia, you need to drop 15 pounds.

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Sonia, you need to drop 15 pounds.

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I was excited to finally meet Dr Gray after I was inundated with all his praises from my parents.

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I had an appointment with them right at the start of the summer 2008 semester.

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It was on a Saturday afternoon.

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We did the normal intake process of him asking questions and getting a background history.

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Dr Gray examined my arm as he wanted to see if there were scars left over from the cutting.

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At the time, my arm was healing from the cuts.

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You could see the marks, but they were becoming faint.

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It was yet another reminder of how much pain I was in and my desperate attempt to escape the pain.

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Dr Gray made some good points during the first session.

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He explained that sometimes, when people don't know how to describe something or explain how they feel around a person, they can be quick to label a person as weird.

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Unfortunately, many people on the autism spectrum get accused of being weird because people don't understand some of the behaviors and thought patterns.

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We are going to have to do some detective work as we are starting to figure out what particularly is coming out from you that is pushing others away and causing you pain and difficulties.

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That sounds really good.

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I feel like someone understands me.

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I have extensive experience working with autism spectrum.

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I should tell you, sonia, that my youngest son is on the autism spectrum.

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He was diagnosed when he was three.

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He has challenges that he still faces, but because of his early diagnosis he was able to progress a lot more for his age than people who weren't able to get diagnosed in early childhood.

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I can definitely understand that one.

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I wasn't diagnosed until I was 20.

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You see where it got me.

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I am here for you and we will work through this together.

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Thank you very much.

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I appreciate that, sonia.

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We will meet weekly.

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For now we can even do sessions twice a week to start with.

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I would appreciate twice a week, noted.

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We will talk on the phone and if there are weekends you could come to the office.

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I would encourage you to come in Now.

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I wanted to address the self-injurious behaviors you were doing.

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Do you still have urges and thoughts to cut?

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No, I don't.

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In fact, I have been working on getting better physically alongside mentally.

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I've been going to the gym almost every day.

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I have been trying to get back into running and have been doing weightlifting.

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That is great.

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You really could benefit from dropping 15 pounds.

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That is great.

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You really could benefit from dropping 15 pounds.

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At first I didn't think much of this comment.

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Little did I know that it would serve as a catalyst for future comments that dealt with more weight and body image.

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If I had known better, I would have called him out the first time and told him his comments were not only derogatory but professionally inappropriate.

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After all, inappropriateness only leads to further inappropriateness.

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Chapter 23, navigating therapy with Dr Gray while handling toxicity.

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Ona friendship in quotes level.

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During the summer of 2008, I started noticing Demetrius's roommate and best friend, jerry.

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Jerry was also tall, handsome man.

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He had sandy blonde hair and ocean blue eyes.

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In fact, every time I looked at him I would envision the middle of the ocean with the sunlight beaming on the waters.

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Jerry was also charming and kind to people.

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It wasn't long before I started crushing on him.

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Like Demetrius, he wasn't interested in me.

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I think Jerry came to find out about my crushing on him through people.

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I wasn't shy about sharing how I felt about him.

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Like Demetrius, he wasn't interested in me.

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I think Jerry came to find out about my crushing on him through people.

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I wasn't shy about sharing how I felt about him.

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The pain of not being liked never changed.

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Dr Gray started the second session I had with him by saying I wonder if perhaps there's a sign you are wearing that is pushing people away.

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I don't know how to explain the reasons behind why people behave the way they do towards me.

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All I know is throughout my life I have been met with a lot of hatred and animosity.

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It didn't just end in childhood.

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And once I graduated from high school, the rudeness persisted in college and even some here.

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And once I graduated from high school, the rudeness persisted in college and even some here.

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This is where we need to do some detective work and get some feedback from others that can help us.

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Do you know some people whom you could get feedback from?

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I think I do.

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Why don't you start working on trying to get some feedback?

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Okay, it would take a while before I would get some feedback.

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In the meantime, I would have a harsh reality.

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Every time I went out to the bars with people, I was always the girl that was ignored when I was out.

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This set me up to want to drink more as a way to compensate for feeling othered and inadequate.

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The drinking only led me to act out in ways that set me up to become a laughingstock to many, because that was the time when I would go and perform the raunchy rap.

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I would also hit hard on men who were repulsed by me.

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There was one man and this is me being nice to him to even call him a man instead of a little bitch in particular, who just gave me dirty glares after a time I tried to be playful and flirty.

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This is the same man whom I came to find out from one of his female friends that he would go around saying to people why do you talk to Sonia?

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She's so weird.

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I found this to be quite saddening for the fact that it was coming from somebody in his 20s.

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The last time I heard this kind of phrase was when I was in middle school from people in their early teens.

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Jerry, like Demetrius, never really wanted to be my friend in any way, shape or form, he kept himself at a distance.

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More so we were acquaintances.

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I used to express my concerns to Dr Gray about what I used to witness of others and how I wasn't living up like other people in terms of dating and interactions of the opposite sex.

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Dr Gray used to say well, it is odd for people your age to never have gone on a date, but it is not odd for someone with autism.

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I have known many people, even older than you, who haven't had a date Really.

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Yes, there are people, though, on the other hand, who really worked on themselves and found love too.

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I think you have a chance at finding someone, and we are going to need to come up with a way for you in the next five years to increase your chances of finding someone.

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That sounds good.

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I hope I can find someone Later.

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Throughout the year.

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My parents set me up on an Indian dating site.

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It was not worth a minute of my time.

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For one thing, I was not too much into Indian culture by then to think of it as enough to necessarily want to marry someone because they are Indian.

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Jade looked through some profiles with me and I wasn't really interested in the people there.

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There was one profile we came across where the guy even stated I expect the woman to stay home with children and give up on having her own social life once she becomes a mother.

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I was taken aback by how controlling, degrading and oppressive that was towards women.

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I was reinforced by people like Claire who would make comments like you're going against your parents by looking outside your culture.

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Things were different for your brother because he is a male.

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Things are different for females.

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Even though the part of things being different for my brother because he was a male was true, that didn't mean I was confined.

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Claire had her own ideas of what it meant to be an Indian woman based on what information she got a hold of that was disseminated and gave off the wrong picture.

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Claire was somewhat like Chloe in that she wasn't as patient or understanding when it came to how I reacted in what people would consider emotionally immature ways to rejection and being treated the way other girls were.

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The way I behaved was by expressing hurt and pain from feelings of rejection.

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I would get upset when I felt rejected and express frustration.

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Claire didn't understand where my reactions are coming from.

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She used to say your dating skills are like that of a 15-year-old girl.

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You're better than that.

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What was better, though, sometimes you don't know what people went through in order to be where they are, whether it's someone successful or someone, or whether it's someone who is socially delayed in some kind of way.

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I had the night before with her and Jade where I would express misunderstandings about feeling rejected and overlooked by guys compared to female peers.

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Claire wasn't able to understand why I felt the way I felt.

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As far as dealing with Claire, I should have told her if that is how you constantly feel, then don't be my friend.

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I will be fine with or without you in my life.

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If I had more confidence the way I do today, I would have said it to her back then.

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However, there was a part of me that admired Claire, even despite how nasty she could be.

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A part of me gravitated towards her because I wanted her and Jade to make me into a Barbie girl.

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I used to despise who I was because I didn't feel it was okay to be me.

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I was looking to be fixed and changed.

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Both Jade and Claire had the looks and a way of attracting people towards them.

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There were other things that Claire suggested in terms of makeup.

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She told me about the natural look being in, and she suggested that I start buying eyeshadows that were in brown shades.

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Dr Gray suggested that perhaps there was a way I was using body language.

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Also, dr Gray discussed sex appeal and how perhaps other women have learned ways to use that to their advantage.

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I didn't have the first clue as to what sex appeal even was.

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Dr Gray gave some suggestions, such as keep up with the latest fashion trends, makeup and weight management.

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Dr Gray's wife worked as an image consultant and psychotherapist.

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Dr Gray set me up to go shopping with her so she could teach me fashion styles.

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After we had an in-detail conversation about the idea, I thought it would be good, since I developed enough trust in Dr Gray.

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I thought it would be good, since I developed enough trust in Dr Gray.

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My mom joined along for the ride, but she was strict about what I was able to purchase in terms of bottoms.

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She protested against me buying skirts, even pencil style, because she didn't believe I would know how to handle a skirt.

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Mrs Gray and I were able to come up with an outfit.

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It was an orange cardigan, a matching scarf with a pop of pink color to it and a shirt that went underneath the cardigan.

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I also bought a pair of black pants.

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The outfit we picked out together was the best outfit I owned at that point.

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I started experimenting more with makeup in the spring of 2007 semester and continued until the end of law school.

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Mrs Gray gave me a mini eyeshadow palette that was more neutral in colors.

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My makeup was never done correctly in the sense I would put on too much.

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People could have easily interpreted that as me trying too hard.

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Dr Gray used to talk about social blindness with people on the autism spectrum.

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A lot of times people on the spectrum don't understand how they are coming across to others.

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There may be things that they do that people don't connect with in terms of communication.

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Maybe it's the way you, sonia, have told jokes or the way you laugh that may come across as offensive or just weird to some people.

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Dr Gray eventually picked up on the fact that my walk wasn't a fluid motion at one of the in-person sessions.

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I had a herniated disc during one of the sessions from going too hard all at once at the gym, even though some of my sessions, some of my reasons why my walk wasn't fluid were due to the fact that I was in immense back pain.

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My walk wasn't also fluid based to the fact that I was in immense back pain.

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My walk wasn't also fluid based on the fact I had a funny gait.

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From when I was in early childhood I have glimpses of memories of walking on my tiptoes as a child.

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I was never fully comfortable walking with my whole foot on the floor.

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People have called me out on my walk before throughout my life, but nobody got into the specifics of what they saw.

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All that was said was that I walked weird or too fast.

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I knew I walked fast at times and I was unaware of my posture.

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Dr Gray suggested finding a modeling school to attend courses to learn to fix my walk.

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I would eventually learn how to walk properly with the shoulders back in right posture.

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Once I finished law school, jade and Claire noticed before that I was a messy eater.

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I was having pasta with them at an Italian restaurant after shopping one day and the sauce kept splattering out of my plate when I was eating.

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I could see how this could have been a turnoff to people, especially because people who are going into such a prestigious profession as law would be held to a standard to have impeccable table manners.

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Dr Gray worked with me on some cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, such as challenging and reframing thoughts.

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I used to have Dr Gray taught me to say to myself just because I never had a boyfriend doesn't mean I am nothing, and just because I was told mean things about myself doesn't make them facts.

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I was taught to challenge cognitive all or nothing distortive ways of thinking, such as the all or nothing mindset.

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Just because you never had a relationship or struggled to find good friends doesn't mean that this will be the case in the future.

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A relationship or struggle to find good friends doesn't mean that this will be the case in the future.

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Things can change as you continue to grow and learn how to soothe yourself and as you continue to develop more into yourself.

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Dr Gray emphasized that I had additional challenges other people didn't have to deal with because of being on the autism spectrum and having a comorbid mood disorder.

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The environment I was in didn't contribute to my well-being by any means.

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Claire and I were having constant misunderstandings, but when times are good, they were great.

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In retrospect, I could never trust Claire to stay consistent.

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Claire was super protective over the fact I was still a virgin, whereas the vast majority of women my age are clearly not.

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She used to say you better not have sex until you're married.

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This was Claire's way of asserting power and control.

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I should have asked her why do you care if I'm a virgin or not?

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Kind of odd for you to be that obsessed with someone you consider a friend.

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No, this is another clue that it was time to end this friendship with Claire.

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I had a lot of resentment, built first and foremost towards myself, then my family.

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The resentment I had towards myself drew from the fact I felt once again like I was a failure because I felt trapped in a life I didn't want.

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Career-wise, my heart was not in the material, even though I continued to study hard with struggles.

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I was unknowingly putting up with toxic friendships because I felt trapped and didn't value myself enough to voluntarily end them.

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I was clinging to what I thought I needed in order to survive being in a place, in the place I was.

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I resented my family for making me stick through a place where I didn't belong, despite desperate attempts to try to explain why I wanted to leave.

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My dad used to say was you make yourself like it?

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My mom also didn't support my desires and used to enforce that I stay in law school.

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I used to say that I felt I picked the wrong career choice and would be better suited for becoming a therapist to help others, especially those on the autism spectrum, to feel understood and heard.

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She would tell me you're better off in law school instead of trying to see where else you could be a fit.

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Even though I couldn't force myself to like law school, I learned instead to like self-medicating and numbing through drinking.

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Not only did drinking help me escape from myself, but it helped me check out of an environment where I didn't fit in.

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Dr Gray was another person who used to discourage me from quitting law school.

00:18:28.532 --> 00:18:37.615
In fact, he thought I shouldn't even be in the mental health field or a trial lawyer because of autism and the possibility of people not connecting with me.

00:18:37.615 --> 00:18:44.593
He thought I was best suited to advise people financially, where people would connect with me on matter of expertise.

00:18:44.593 --> 00:18:51.144
My heart was more suited to helping others in different ways, ways that would help heal and inspire.

00:18:51.144 --> 00:18:53.551
I wanted to be that person for someone else.

00:18:53.551 --> 00:18:56.645
In ways, I wish I had that someone for myself.

00:18:56.645 --> 00:18:59.471
Wait, wait, wait.

00:18:59.471 --> 00:19:04.586
So you were never known as the heavy child asked Dr DeGrade to start one of the sessions.

00:19:04.586 --> 00:19:06.269
No, I was not.

00:19:06.451 --> 00:19:13.324
I may have been a little overweight in middle school, but that was due to my binge eating from all the bullying and not knowing how to handle intense emotions.

00:19:13.324 --> 00:19:16.833
There is a way you think about and use food, he stated.

00:19:16.833 --> 00:19:18.502
I know I'm working on it.

00:19:18.502 --> 00:19:22.353
Maybe you need to start adding some strength training to your routine.

00:19:22.353 --> 00:19:23.461
I have been.

00:19:23.461 --> 00:19:28.801
Something isn't working if you've been going to the gym as often as you say you have been going.

00:19:28.801 --> 00:19:33.401
Well, people have been noticing and telling me I've been looking gorgeous Girls, that is.

00:19:33.401 --> 00:19:36.067
They're just trying to be nice to you.

00:19:36.067 --> 00:19:41.023
Perhaps you need to start eating more lean meat and more protein-based foods.

00:19:41.023 --> 00:19:44.069
Another thing hire a nutritionist to help you.

00:19:44.069 --> 00:19:45.653
Okay, I replied.

00:19:45.653 --> 00:19:51.786
The reason I am telling you all this is that with your autism and mood disorder, everything has to be perfect.

00:19:51.786 --> 00:19:53.891
Thin girls get away with more.

00:19:53.891 --> 00:20:01.395
I see Some of what Dr Gray said about how I thought about used food was correct.

00:20:02.077 --> 00:20:05.224
However, the whole pushing a body image didn't make me feel good.

00:20:05.224 --> 00:20:11.307
There were other times when Dr Grade was instructional and supportive, but critical at other moments.

00:20:11.307 --> 00:20:19.830
I didn't realize at the time how I was beating myself up with even harder jabs based on things that were said and said in my sessions.

00:20:19.830 --> 00:20:22.085
I shared some feedback.

00:20:22.085 --> 00:20:27.346
I happened to get Some feedback.

00:20:27.346 --> 00:20:28.180
I happened to get some feedback.

00:20:28.180 --> 00:20:31.490
I happened to get that a couple of people told me throughout law school.

00:20:31.490 --> 00:20:39.809
Apart from that one guy telling people I was weird, there was another girl who was going around echoing the same sentiments.

00:20:39.809 --> 00:20:46.407
It is no surprise that those two were friends and they happened to be in the same friend group as Demetrius and Jerry.

00:20:46.407 --> 00:20:50.471
Dr Gray would say well, let's listen to what these people are saying.

00:20:50.471 --> 00:20:55.548
You should care about what other people say about you because this is what carried you throughout your whole life.

00:20:56.431 --> 00:21:05.003
The times when Dr Gray showed some support were when I discussed feeling hurt from rejections and overall misconceptions people had about me.

00:21:05.003 --> 00:21:12.727
He also supported me when family members felt it was their place to think well, sonia is in law school now.

00:21:12.727 --> 00:21:15.843
She is quote cured, end quote from autism.

00:21:15.843 --> 00:21:18.313
That couldn't have been further from the truth.

00:21:18.313 --> 00:21:24.130
And just because people go to graduate school and pursue professions doesn't cure them of autism in the least.

00:21:24.130 --> 00:21:32.148
I struggled to pass my classes and there was a semester when I was placed on academic probation because I just didn't connect to the material.

00:21:32.148 --> 00:21:34.821
I had to retake a course that I failed.

00:21:34.821 --> 00:21:43.490
Ingham Law School allowed for one retake if you failed a course and they would void the course upon successfully passing the retake course.

00:21:45.215 --> 00:21:48.708
There were family members who also felt I should stop therapy altogether.

00:21:48.708 --> 00:21:54.382
In truth, therapy was the only thing keeping me afloat, even though the therapy sessions weren't always the best.

00:21:54.382 --> 00:21:59.582
Sonia, that really irritates me that they say things like this about you.

00:21:59.582 --> 00:22:09.229
If your family members were serious about entertaining such a thought of you completely ending therapy, they should seek consultation from someone who is highly acclaimed in the field.

00:22:09.229 --> 00:22:12.433
I personally don't feel you should stop therapy.

00:22:12.433 --> 00:22:14.202
If anything, I think it would damage you.

00:22:14.202 --> 00:22:16.167
I agree with you, dr Gray.

00:22:16.387 --> 00:22:21.691
I feel that therapy has been supportive in some ways, in that at least someone understands autism.

00:22:21.691 --> 00:22:29.925
This is where I blinded myself into thinking everything was okay with these therapy sessions the fact that somebody understood autism.

00:22:29.925 --> 00:22:33.669
Sonia, you are getting some real therapy that has teeth to it.

00:22:33.669 --> 00:22:36.451
Yes, and I feel you understand me.

00:22:36.451 --> 00:22:37.613
Believe me, I do.

00:22:37.613 --> 00:22:40.936
I replied what would you say to the guys who rejected me?

00:22:40.936 --> 00:22:50.334
I would tell them I don't know what kind of girl Sonia would have been for you, however, if you would have given Sonia a chance, even if it is just to get to know her.

00:22:50.334 --> 00:22:56.269
I think that would have been a really great opportunity for the both of you.

00:22:56.269 --> 00:22:57.452
Oh, thank you.

00:22:57.452 --> 00:22:59.240
That means a lot, sonia.

00:22:59.240 --> 00:23:00.286
I mean every word of that.

00:23:00.286 --> 00:23:08.840
Overall, the majority of the therapy sessions for as long as I was in law school were a vacillation between supportive and critical.

00:23:09.643 --> 00:23:14.294
Some of what Dr Gray said would be contradictory to his previous statements.

00:23:14.294 --> 00:23:19.721
On the one hand, he would say because of your autism and mood disorder, everything has to be perfect.

00:23:19.721 --> 00:23:22.210
This means you need to be thin.

00:23:22.210 --> 00:23:29.491
People these days are obsessed with all the airbrushing, and I have clients who won't date a girl who is even five pounds overweight.

00:23:29.491 --> 00:23:33.611
All I could respond with was I'm doing my best, I get it.

00:23:33.611 --> 00:23:40.374
Then he would say on days you feel bad, you need to learn to go do something for yourself, such as go get an ice cream.

00:23:40.374 --> 00:23:46.279
Mind you, these statements wouldn't have been said in the same session, yet the messages were contradictory.

00:23:46.279 --> 00:23:49.032
Wouldn't have been said in the same session.

00:23:49.032 --> 00:23:50.599
Yet the messages were contradictory.

00:23:51.840 --> 00:23:54.746
I would share about certain situations that would come up at bars when I was out with friends.

00:23:54.746 --> 00:23:59.234
End quotes Dr Gray reminded me of some of the moments when I was left to my own devices.

00:23:59.234 --> 00:24:04.269
Moments when I saw people go off and dance with another.

00:24:04.269 --> 00:24:12.921
Moments when I was pushed to the side whereas other guys and girls are chatting away to remind myself that I am still beautiful, I am still lovable, I'm still worthy.

00:24:13.923 --> 00:24:21.083
Sonia, the unfortunate truth is when people have any kind of psychiatric diagnosis, authors don't like to be around that person.

00:24:21.083 --> 00:24:25.087
People step back, said Dr Gray in a judgmental tone.

00:24:25.087 --> 00:24:26.130
That's unfortunate.

00:24:26.130 --> 00:24:36.133
I said I was bamboozled by how judgmental psychotherapists could be towards those with mental health issues.

00:24:36.133 --> 00:24:39.886
There are people whom Dr Gray was supposed to help.

00:24:39.886 --> 00:24:46.051
These are people whom Dr Gray was supposed to help, and it was his job as a professional to help them feel safe.

00:24:46.051 --> 00:24:56.054
How he was able to comment on people who struggle with mental health was not only a way to push people away, but was completely unprofessional.

00:24:56.054 --> 00:24:57.838
It made me wonder why.

00:24:57.838 --> 00:25:04.240
Someone like him was even a psychologist, but, like in any profession, people can enter it for the wrong reasons.

00:25:04.240 --> 00:25:06.948
I know about that all too well.

00:25:06.948 --> 00:25:09.040
I said, remembering flashbacks of my youth.

00:25:09.040 --> 00:25:13.536
That is why you need to make sure you're doing things you enjoy.

00:25:13.536 --> 00:25:16.483
People want to be around someone who has sunshine in their hearts.

00:25:16.483 --> 00:25:20.040
People don't like to be around people who have all sorts of issues.

00:25:20.040 --> 00:25:21.884
He said I am working on it.

00:25:22.124 --> 00:25:26.872
I said feeling judged, dr Gray's lambasting about looks hit hard.

00:25:26.872 --> 00:25:31.144
You are better off going for someone who is seven out of a 10.

00:25:31.144 --> 00:25:34.310
I don't think guys see you as more than a seven.

00:25:34.310 --> 00:25:37.905
You have a pretty face and if you lost weight you would look better overall.

00:25:37.905 --> 00:25:39.671
However, you aren't a movie star.

00:25:39.671 --> 00:25:41.964
I think I am beautiful the way I am.

00:25:41.964 --> 00:26:03.492
I responded this was one thing I started teaching myself when depression hit hard during the winter semester of my 2L, second year of law school for those who don't know what 2L means I used to practice saying I am a sexy diva repeatedly in front of the mirror.

00:26:03.492 --> 00:26:11.932
At first it felt very weird, but it became a routine and something I grew to love saying to myself Guys, don't see you like that.

00:26:11.932 --> 00:26:17.307
Dr Gray said I don't care what guys see me, as it's the opinion of myself that should count first.

00:26:17.307 --> 00:26:21.123
Dr Gray, there was no response for that, and rightfully so.

00:26:21.123 --> 00:26:28.568
Ultimately, it's how you view yourself that counts the most, because you are with yourself all the time.

00:26:28.568 --> 00:26:30.887
Make your view about yourself be a good one.

00:26:30.887 --> 00:26:39.693
Also, dr Gray was no supermodel looking male, so he really had no business instructing me on how I should look.

00:26:39.693 --> 00:26:44.692
The only thing he had going for him was his wife, who was gorgeous.

00:26:44.692 --> 00:26:46.723
Hey, this is a spade.

00:26:46.723 --> 00:26:47.508
Call on the spade.

00:26:53.592 --> 00:26:55.717
Chapter 24, table Manners Time.

00:26:55.717 --> 00:27:01.017
Before law school graduation, I did an internship at a prosecutor's office.

00:27:01.017 --> 00:27:06.396
My brother was diagnosed with stomach cancer right as I was entering my third year of law school.

00:27:06.396 --> 00:27:12.218
He unfortunately didn't survive having cancer and he passed away on May 21, 2009.

00:27:12.218 --> 00:27:14.228
My heart hurt for him.

00:27:14.228 --> 00:27:19.167
During my last year of law school, which also played into some of the drinking I was doing.

00:27:19.167 --> 00:27:29.377
My brother's passing was at a time I was just beginning my internship and it was a process in and of itself to take some days off up to and after my brother's passing.

00:27:29.377 --> 00:27:35.436
I also had to do an independent study in order to graduate on time, so I was kept rather busy.

00:27:35.517 --> 00:27:41.726
Over the summer, my mom was in touch with an organization in the suburbs of Chicago that dealt with services for autism.

00:27:41.726 --> 00:27:47.608
The lady who ran the organization, mrs Gorman, had gotten to know my parents in the early 2000s.

00:27:47.608 --> 00:27:53.429
Post-diagnosis, my mom happened to call Mrs Gorman to discuss some of the social challenges I was having.

00:27:53.429 --> 00:28:05.535
Mrs Gorman suggested that we meet with one of her employees Kelly, kelly, my mom, mrs Gorman and I all met for lunch and Kelly introduced and described the kinds of work she does.

00:28:05.535 --> 00:28:09.787
Kelly studied psychology at a graduate school in downtown Chicago.

00:28:09.787 --> 00:28:12.830
Her goal was to focus on individuals with autism.

00:28:12.830 --> 00:28:25.807
We came to an agreement that Kelly and I would spend time together and she would give feedback on what she saw that may be preventing me from coming across as the best version of myself.

00:28:25.807 --> 00:28:30.238
Kelly and I met for the first time by ourselves over lunch.

00:28:30.238 --> 00:28:39.200
She was able to get an assessment of me the first time we all met and she noticed that my motor skills are off.

00:28:42.905 --> 00:28:45.474
Sonia, the first thing you need to do is eat slowly.

00:28:45.474 --> 00:28:48.991
Remember this rule two bites, one sip of water.

00:28:48.991 --> 00:28:50.596
Two bites, one sip of water.

00:28:50.596 --> 00:28:58.615
Okay, I also noticed the first time we met that you were doing something with your fork that was different from what other people were doing when they were eating.

00:28:58.615 --> 00:29:01.125
It was like you were making a noise with it.

00:29:01.125 --> 00:29:04.473
When the fork was hitting your teeth, your grip was also off.

00:29:04.473 --> 00:29:05.877
Oh, I wasn't aware.

00:29:05.877 --> 00:29:09.167
You tend to use your fork as a spoon sometimes.

00:29:09.167 --> 00:29:19.201
Let me show you how to properly hold your fork so that when it goes to your mouth so that it goes to your mouth.

00:29:19.201 --> 00:29:22.413
I want you to watch me, then follow.

00:29:22.413 --> 00:29:25.202
I watched Kelly closely and took mental notes.

00:29:25.202 --> 00:29:29.011
I repeated to myself two bites, one sip of water.

00:29:29.011 --> 00:29:35.009
Sonia, we are going to focus on eating, because when you first start dating someone, that is what you're going to be doing.

00:29:36.291 --> 00:29:38.095
I was receptive to her help and support.

00:29:38.095 --> 00:29:43.931
However, it felt quite embarrassing that a woman who was in her mid-20s had to be taught table manners.

00:29:43.931 --> 00:29:48.367
Such table manners were taught to people at substantially younger ages.

00:29:48.367 --> 00:29:52.798
Dr Gray was in full support of the work I was doing with Kelly.

00:29:52.798 --> 00:29:59.971
He used to even suggest have her watch you stand up, sit down, walk to the bathroom, walk around, etc.

00:29:59.971 --> 00:30:05.250
We have spoken before about your walk being off, so I'm glad you are getting some help with that.

00:30:05.250 --> 00:30:06.311
Thank you, I said.

00:30:07.153 --> 00:30:12.534
The next time Kelly and I met, she noticed how I played with my hair a bit when we were at the table.

00:30:12.534 --> 00:30:15.436
Kelly taught me to keep my hands together on my lap.

00:30:15.436 --> 00:30:17.830
At the moment I felt like fidgeting with my hair.

00:30:17.830 --> 00:30:23.148
This is still a work in progress, as I have a tendency to fidget with my hair for sensory regulation.

00:30:23.148 --> 00:30:27.744
Kelly saw improvement with the two bites and one sip of water.

00:30:27.744 --> 00:30:31.150
She also noticed an improvement in how I held my fork.

00:30:31.150 --> 00:30:39.500
I started mentioning to Kelly some of the concerns brought up by Dr Gray about my gait being off.

00:30:39.500 --> 00:30:43.494
Kelly mentioned that she may have seen something and she would be on the lookout.

00:30:43.494 --> 00:30:47.114
She initially focused on the table manners and motor skills.

00:30:47.134 --> 00:30:57.205
When it came to eating, I was usually quite flexible about where we met, but there was one place she sent us for us to meet where I didn't get a good feeling.

00:30:57.205 --> 00:31:01.576
I looked at the menu online and the items they served were not to my taste.

00:31:01.576 --> 00:31:09.248
With a reluctance, I asked her if we could go somewhere else, a spot we hadn't been to before, but I knew the menu would be more to my liking.

00:31:09.248 --> 00:31:12.557
She agreed, but her unhappiness showed when she came to the place.

00:31:12.557 --> 00:31:14.409
Sonia, don't do this again.

00:31:14.409 --> 00:31:19.451
What would have happened if you done this on a date, kelly asked scoldingly.

00:31:19.451 --> 00:31:20.114
I don't know.

00:31:20.114 --> 00:31:25.451
I replied your date would have probably been pissed off and annoyed, said Kelly.

00:31:25.451 --> 00:31:30.851
Oh, please be mindful of that, moving forward and don't do that again, said Kelly sternly.

00:31:30.851 --> 00:31:33.980
Yeah, sorry about that, I said.

00:31:33.980 --> 00:31:47.275
A part of me wondered if Kelly was bothered by my changing the place, because she really wanted to eat at the other restaurant During the dinner, kelly noticed that I ordered only an appetizer that wasn't the most nutritional in value.

00:31:47.915 --> 00:31:51.830
She taught me the whole concept of making sure I order healthy foods when I go out to eat.

00:31:51.830 --> 00:31:56.945
Kelly said eating healthy shows people you care about yourself and you take care of yourself.

00:31:56.945 --> 00:32:01.253
Kelly addressed my walk.

00:32:01.253 --> 00:32:08.051
After she saw me walk up a flight of stairs to use a restroom, she had me practice climbing the stairs with the more proper form.

00:32:08.051 --> 00:32:12.391
Kelly and I went to the mall so she could see how I walk around places.

00:32:12.391 --> 00:32:18.573
Kelly was then able to show me how I was coming across when I was walking, and it was definitely not a fluid motion.

00:32:18.573 --> 00:32:23.467
By any means, kelly taught me to walk standing up straight with my shoulders back.

00:32:23.467 --> 00:32:28.747
She showed me how to walk from heel to toe using the whole foot in a more fluid motion.

00:32:29.347 --> 00:32:34.419
Apart from working on the walk, she used to give me constructive feedback on appearance.

00:32:34.419 --> 00:32:38.825
She used to give me constructive feedback on appearance.

00:32:38.825 --> 00:32:45.260
Kelly never commented on weight on my weight and she instead commented on how my hair appeared disheveled and that my bra needed to be a better fit.

00:32:45.260 --> 00:32:49.695
I was taught to start paying more attention to those aspects before I left the house.

00:32:49.695 --> 00:32:55.786
In the short time that I worked with Kelly, she taught me things I needed to start to work on to improve myself.

00:32:55.786 --> 00:32:58.250
That I work with Kelly, she taught me things I needed to start to work on to improve myself.

00:32:58.250 --> 00:33:01.713
I found working with her to be more helpful than attending sessions with Dr Gray.

00:33:02.714 --> 00:33:05.558
Dr Gray, on the other hand, kept harping about weight and appearance.

00:33:05.558 --> 00:33:18.890
He would say at times you know, there are times when there's not that someone for everyone A lot of people battle with loneliness.

00:33:18.890 --> 00:33:22.036
Dr Gray would talk about how he had clients who were never able to find someone.

00:33:22.036 --> 00:33:27.636
He kept on his serenade about how some of his clients wouldn't go out with women who are five pounds overweight.

00:33:27.636 --> 00:33:36.211
I finally had enough and asked him don't you think it's possible that these clients who are fussing about women being five pounds overweight are just being shallow?

00:33:36.211 --> 00:33:39.556
Women can pick up on men who are shallow and keep their distance.

00:33:39.556 --> 00:33:43.227
After all, pigs are for eating, not for dating.

00:33:45.851 --> 00:33:49.536
Point being and sharing this is you know what.

00:33:49.536 --> 00:33:55.009
Ultimately, you have that power to define who you are you.

00:33:55.009 --> 00:34:02.088
You know if the way you feel about yourself and the way that you come across to others right?

00:34:02.088 --> 00:34:08.860
I mean, here's the thing Nobody has that power to define your beauty.

00:34:08.860 --> 00:34:40.250
Your relationship statuses don't define your beauty, the fact that what house you live in, or the neighborhood you live in, or the bank account you have, or what you do for a job, or what your talents are, what your body types are here's the thing you are beautiful and special in your own way, and people don't have a right to tell you what your worth is, because nobody has that kind of power.

00:34:40.250 --> 00:34:42.916
The only person who could define your worth is you.

00:34:44.585 --> 00:34:54.675
And so the next time somebody says something to you right, understand a lot of times it's not coming from a good place.

00:34:54.675 --> 00:35:07.110
When they're projecting stuff onto you, when they say negative things to you to make you feel a certain way, that's insecurity, that's their own projections that they're putting out there.

00:35:07.110 --> 00:35:20.594
They want you to feel a certain way because they perhaps, maybe don't feel good about themselves, maybe they're envious of you, maybe they see something in you that intimidates them because they look at what's lacking in themselves, right?

00:35:20.594 --> 00:35:22.157
So just you know.

00:35:22.157 --> 00:35:34.929
My whole point is this, and here's the thing If you're going to get people who are going to critique you so badly about your body appearance, then you know what.

00:35:34.929 --> 00:35:39.978

Pigs Are For Eating, Not For Dating: Lessons on Self-Worth and Acceptance

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