July 30, 2025

The Kiss Cam Fallout: What Happens When Cheating Goes Viral? With Dr. Nadine Macaluso

The Kiss Cam Fallout: What Happens When Cheating Goes Viral? With Dr. Nadine Macaluso

Send us a text A kiss caught on camera, a relationship shattered in seconds. When the infamous "Kiss Cam Cheater" went viral, millions witnessed the raw, unfiltered moment betrayal trauma unfolds—leaving many of us wondering what happens when our deepest fears play out in public. Who better to guide us through this emotional wreckage than someone who's survived her own high-profile betrayal? Dr. Nadine Macaluso, psychotherapist and former wife of the real-life Wolf of Wall Street, joins us t...

Send us a text

A kiss caught on camera, a relationship shattered in seconds. When the infamous "Kiss Cam Cheater" went viral, millions witnessed the raw, unfiltered moment betrayal trauma unfolds—leaving many of us wondering what happens when our deepest fears play out in public.

Who better to guide us through this emotional wreckage than someone who's survived her own high-profile betrayal? Dr. Nadine Macaluso, psychotherapist and former wife of the real-life Wolf of Wall Street, joins us to unpack why this moment resonated so deeply with so many people. "Betrayal trauma cracks your soul," she explains. "It's one of the most painful relational experiences we can have on this planet."

Through our conversation, Dr. Macaluso reveals the psychology behind betrayal—the emotional dysregulation, cognitive dissonance, and profound loss of trust that follows. We explore how people compartmentalize during affairs, why certain personalities feel entitled to risk everything for a thrill, and the power dynamics that often fuel infidelity. Most importantly, she shares a roadmap for healing whether your heartbreak happens privately or with the world watching.

"Trust your gut and get curious," Dr. Macaluso advises. While approximately 70% of relationships don't survive infidelity, about 30% do—especially when the betraying partner can truly acknowledge the pain they've caused without defensiveness. Drawing from both professional expertise and personal experience, she offers hope to anyone feeling shattered: "Healing is a process and it's not linear. It's one step forward, two steps back, and you're worth it."

Ready to understand betrayal trauma and begin your healing journey? This episode provides both compassionate insight and practical tools for rebuilding trust—in others and in yourself. Subscribe now and join our community committed to finding authentic connection in a complicated world.

00:00 - Introduction to Betrayal Trauma

06:26 - The Kiss Cam Cheating Scandal

13:56 - Power, Entitlement and Brazen Behavior

20:34 - Rebuilding After Public Betrayal

27:46 - The Truth About Healing From Infidelity

33:00 - Tips for Moving Forward After Heartbreak

WEBVTT

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I'm Carrie Brett, and this is Shot at Love when you try your best but you don't succeed and then get busted on the Jumbotron.

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This week, I'm sitting down with Dr Nadine Macaluso to unpack the emotional wreckage of the now infamous Kiss Cam Cheater.

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We'll talk public betrayal, trauma bonds and how to fix you after someone breaks you.

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Dr Nadine's own story is one of profound transformation.

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Once married to the real-life Wolf of Wall Street, her chaotic past became a Hollywood blockbuster hit, but she rebuilt her life, becoming a psychotherapist and author of Run Like Hell.

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She's here to share what she's learned about overcoming and starting over and helping others do the same.

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I'm Keri Brett, and Shot Love starts now.

00:00:50.871 --> 00:00:53.542
Hi, Dr Ney, thanks so much for being here.

00:00:53.542 --> 00:00:56.106
Hello, Hello.

00:00:56.106 --> 00:00:59.834
So our last interview was so good.

00:00:59.834 --> 00:01:04.084
We actually I don't know if I told you this we won a communicator award of excellence.

00:01:04.084 --> 00:01:08.170
Yay, yeah, so I'm really happy about that.

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I'm not surprised because your story is so inspiring.

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There was a time in your life that was filled with turmoil and tears.

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The FBI raided your home and arrested your husband your ex-husband, I should say and that day you left with the curtains in your children.

00:01:27.239 --> 00:01:29.188
That's like my favorite line of all time.

00:01:29.188 --> 00:01:40.629
This past week we saw two families ripped apart by infidelity and I know it evoked some emotion with me and it seems to be triggering a lot of people.

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It went viral on the internet.

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I've noticed that people don't want to talk about it.

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Lot of people and went viral on the internet.

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I've noticed that people don't want to talk about it and I wanted to use this as a opportunity to talk about fear, rebuilding, overcoming things that you're an expert in.

00:01:58.890 --> 00:02:02.024
So, being a therapist, did you see people that you know be triggered?

00:02:02.024 --> 00:02:03.269
Were you yourself triggered?

00:02:03.519 --> 00:02:19.622
Myself wasn't triggered, but I saw I think, of course, many of my patients were triggered, right, Because what we saw, which was just, I mean, such an insane circumstance, right, what's the chances of that happening?

00:02:19.622 --> 00:02:25.691
But we saw a betrayal trauma, right, and that is incredibly painful.

00:02:25.691 --> 00:02:27.835
And what's the one thing, right?

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We're social beings.

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We're wired for connection, we're programmed to fall in love, and when you fall in love and then you marry this person, you believe that there's a pact and that there's trust.

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And for that trust to be broken and for everyone to see it, I think it just triggered a core wound and a core need in all of us.

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And what does it say about us as a society?

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Though that and I know in Boston, being a Bostonian, and it happened here I almost think that Bostonians are really tough.

00:03:04.225 --> 00:03:13.441
We're exactly like New Yorkers in the sense that we can't be bought off and we don't like injustice and we don't like to see it in our backyard.

00:03:13.441 --> 00:03:18.510
I think, as Bostonians, that was very unexpected to happen in our city.

00:03:18.510 --> 00:03:27.884
We just had the Karen Reid trial and it was becoming the summer of sidebars and side pieces and it was like what is even going on around here?

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I don't know why, if it was because he was a wealthy CEO and someone in charge of HR and then was that a Coldplay concert and they came up with the term Coldplay?

00:03:38.860 --> 00:03:46.921
It made me think of you, because when I read your book and I watched the movie, who would be the perfect person to speak to this?

00:03:48.325 --> 00:03:50.893
Yeah, it has all of the elements right.

00:03:50.893 --> 00:03:53.540
First of all, there's a power imbalance there.

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He has the power right and we all know that we're really not supposed to sexually fraternize with people at work, especially when you are the leader.

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He's the leader of this company.

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He's supposed to have a moral compass what we would hope but clearly he used his power and balance I don't know exactly what happened between them and there's an exploitation of that power by fraternizing with somebody that's below you in the pole at work, and then you could see the humiliation on their faces was the most human emotion we've seen.

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That was better than reality TV.

00:04:34.380 --> 00:04:37.127
It's true, just how he sunk to the ground.

00:04:37.127 --> 00:04:45.466
But the thing that I wanted to talk to you about is that now, I'm not a therapist, I just happen to study narcissistic patterns, right.

00:04:45.466 --> 00:04:48.009
What's another word other than narcissistic abuse?

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It's a brazen activity.

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Yeah, brazen is perfect and that's a part of pathology, by the way.

00:04:58.980 --> 00:04:59.581
I started to think about this.

00:04:59.581 --> 00:05:03.232
And we don't know these two people, so we don't know much about what they're like, but we also know patterns.

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That's right what?

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they're like, but we also know patterns and to go out publicly where you know that there's a jumbotron.

00:05:10.182 --> 00:05:13.226
The disregard, I think, is where it hit home.

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Yeah, the disregard of their families.

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Right, right, I mean, and I think I was listening to something that they say you know, when you get your ticket it actually says like there's a jumbotron, you could be filmed, right.

00:05:28.291 --> 00:05:34.413
So they're letting you know on the ticket this can happen, or if it's an electronic ticket, whatever.

00:05:34.413 --> 00:05:46.201
Yeah, and I think brazen is a very important word to use, because there's kind of a level of like you're saying disregard and just like we get to do whatever we want.

00:05:46.201 --> 00:05:48.685
But to me that's entitlement too.

00:05:49.026 --> 00:05:54.041
I think that 1%, the entitlement comes with the money and the power.

00:05:54.041 --> 00:06:10.668
So that's what I was saying, is that we can't just diagnose people from afar that we don't know, but we can identify certain patterns that happen to be in your line of work yeah, there's also like a fearlessness and a boldness about doing that.

00:06:10.848 --> 00:06:21.146
Mostly when they have fairs they're there's, they're kind of clandestine right, and that's why they go to the motel six on the side of the road and it's almost like they were playing with fire that they.

00:06:21.146 --> 00:06:28.641
That was part of the thrill perhaps good point it could be, because it's almost like.

00:06:28.762 --> 00:06:33.355
The stupidity of it is almost like are you trying to get caught?

00:06:33.355 --> 00:06:35.581
And, who knows, maybe they were.

00:06:35.581 --> 00:06:36.824
You don't even know.

00:06:36.824 --> 00:06:40.672
That's the thing and we're just speculating at this point.

00:06:40.672 --> 00:06:49.024
I felt sorry that people have had such a adverse reaction to it because it's you can't catch it.

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You know what I'm saying.

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Like we're very comfortable talking about it because we've both done an extreme amount of work.

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It made me think about dating and fear and starting over and people's patterns.

00:07:02.144 --> 00:07:03.887
They are afraid.

00:07:03.887 --> 00:07:06.180
That's the one thing that they're afraid when they start dating.

00:07:06.180 --> 00:07:08.064
Am I going to have this happen to me again?

00:07:09.026 --> 00:07:09.367
yes.

00:07:10.829 --> 00:07:16.682
I didn't want to be publicly shaming these people or their families.

00:07:16.682 --> 00:07:26.634
All I wanted to do was to have a conversation about this because people are really interested in it, and what can be learned from this.

00:07:26.634 --> 00:07:46.915
I was thinking about you, and you rebuilt your life under the most insane circumstances, but my question to you would be is cheating that much harder to overcome when it's played out publicly, would you say?

00:07:49.440 --> 00:07:56.425
You know, I think that betrayal trauma, being betrayed by the person that you trust, really cracks your soul.

00:07:56.425 --> 00:08:08.821
I do believe that it's one of the most painful relational experiences that we can have on this planet, and I think it hurts a lot when it's done privately.

00:08:08.821 --> 00:08:16.994
And, of course, having it for the whole world to see is another layer of pain.

00:08:16.994 --> 00:08:23.052
Right, of course it's another layer of pain, but you know, it also depends on their relationship.

00:08:23.052 --> 00:08:26.360
I don't know where they were in their relationship.

00:08:26.360 --> 00:08:28.869
Were they like listen, we're just going to stay together.

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We're not happily married.

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We both know this.

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Right.

00:08:32.561 --> 00:08:37.572
Or was he pretending like everything's fine while living a separate life?

00:08:37.572 --> 00:08:43.493
That also affects the level of pain that the betrayed partner feels.

00:08:44.159 --> 00:08:45.466
That's the thing we don't know.

00:08:45.466 --> 00:08:51.785
That I found interesting is that the wife moved.

00:08:51.785 --> 00:08:59.804
The CEO's wife moved so quickly that she dismantled her social media, dropped his name In my mind.

00:08:59.804 --> 00:09:07.741
Maybe she had somebody good guiding her, but an everyday person I don't know that they would have moved that fast.

00:09:08.022 --> 00:09:15.174
Yeah, and I think, though, the shock of it probably enabled her to move so fast.

00:09:15.620 --> 00:09:16.142
Probably.

00:09:16.744 --> 00:09:19.072
Because that's such a shocking, horrific thing.

00:09:19.072 --> 00:09:31.467
For me it was different, like I had lived through betrayal and trauma with my ex, but it came out in a book and a movie much later, after I had left Right, right, and it was still challenging in its own way.

00:09:31.467 --> 00:09:35.405
But you know, I'm sure, the actual shock of this.

00:09:35.405 --> 00:09:39.332
She reacted and she reacted appropriately.

00:09:39.332 --> 00:09:43.009
It sounds like she was protecting herself and that was the right thing to do.

00:09:43.379 --> 00:09:44.765
I think it was the right thing to do.

00:09:44.765 --> 00:09:48.248
I think you don't know what you're capable of until you have to do it.

00:09:48.248 --> 00:09:49.090
That's right.

00:09:49.851 --> 00:09:58.554
Yeah, and she doesn't need comments or harassment or any more judgment towards her on social media.

00:09:59.100 --> 00:10:08.274
I didn't really want to be doing was judging anyone, because we're all human and we're not in anyone else's shoes.

00:10:08.419 --> 00:10:17.607
We're all human and we all make mistakes, and I think that marriage in general it's really an experiment and we don't know if it's succeeding or failing.

00:10:17.607 --> 00:10:21.342
Honestly at this point, you know it used to be for economic reasons.

00:10:21.342 --> 00:10:34.134
It used to be for a lot more basic reasons survival reasons, not like this about love and that really changed as we evolved as a species and now we live till 80.

00:10:34.960 --> 00:10:37.346
So anything can happen.

00:10:38.028 --> 00:10:49.525
So I don't know when they got together, honestly, but that's a long span to be with somebody and love is very messy, it's very imperfect and people do survive betrayals.

00:10:49.525 --> 00:10:58.089
Couples do survive it, but something has to happen where the one partner who betrayed who is the betrayer.

00:10:58.089 --> 00:11:06.001
Let's say they have to be able to sit in the fire with the person that they've hurt and receive their pain and not get defensive.

00:11:06.001 --> 00:11:07.004
I've seen it heal.

00:11:07.004 --> 00:11:08.587
I've seen people move past it.

00:11:08.587 --> 00:11:11.120
I don't know if they will, but I have seen it.

00:11:11.240 --> 00:11:21.403
Yeah, that's the interesting thing the amount of cheating that happens and that happens in the workplace it seems like that's where it happens.

00:11:23.245 --> 00:11:25.147
Right, because it's all about proximity.

00:11:25.726 --> 00:11:27.489
Right, that makes sense you know.

00:11:27.828 --> 00:11:36.636
So if you're surrounded by this person every single day, all day, and then you start to flirt, and then it gets a little more, and then all the sexual tension builds.

00:11:36.636 --> 00:11:42.032
Listen you can't have great sex with somebody for 30 years you can have it for a decent amount of time.

00:11:42.032 --> 00:11:44.542
But then relationships really do change.

00:11:44.542 --> 00:11:52.009
Again, I don't know what was happening in their home, but yeah, it happens in the workplace Travel salesmen notorious for that.

00:11:52.529 --> 00:11:53.149
Pilots.

00:11:53.610 --> 00:11:56.613
Yeah, and they compartmentalize in their mind.

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This is okay, they rationalize it, everybody does it.

00:12:03.320 --> 00:12:05.023
And then before you know it, two families are devastated.

00:12:05.023 --> 00:12:10.533
That's part of the oxytocin and that's part of the chemical and the toxicity of it.

00:12:10.533 --> 00:12:14.850
When you're having an affair, everything is set on a false pretense.

00:12:14.850 --> 00:12:16.666
Anyways, it is a house of cards.

00:12:16.980 --> 00:12:18.626
Yeah, because it's not real life.

00:12:18.626 --> 00:12:45.774
When you're married and you have kids and you got to get the kids to school and parents are sick and dying, or one of the partners gets sick or there's money challenges, right, those challenges put stress on a marriage and a relationship, but an affair is really this fantasy that you're kind of in a bubble, away from all of those real issues in life, filled with, like you say, tons of fun, hormones and excitement.

00:12:46.120 --> 00:12:51.692
What's so interesting about the kiss cam to be exposed that way?

00:12:51.692 --> 00:12:53.243
Oh?

00:12:53.263 --> 00:12:53.484
my God.

00:12:53.940 --> 00:12:56.749
It's just unbelievable.

00:12:56.749 --> 00:13:03.979
Really, that's when life and I say this all the time with my book the things that happened.

00:13:03.979 --> 00:13:08.006
People will say it's almost like it's not even real, but it is real.

00:13:08.006 --> 00:13:09.090
It was real.

00:13:09.090 --> 00:13:16.590
These things are so insane that you couldn't make it up if you tried no, you couldn't have even coordinated that if you tried.

00:13:16.990 --> 00:13:19.081
That's like all the stars aligning.

00:13:19.081 --> 00:13:25.206
If you don't believe in divine ordinance, oh yeah, some god, some goddesses, something bigger than us, right?

00:13:25.441 --> 00:13:26.527
We saw it play out.

00:13:27.721 --> 00:13:34.490
We saw it play out and who knows, who knows, maybe for whatever's happening in these people's lives.

00:13:34.490 --> 00:13:37.505
This is part of their journey that was supposed to happen.

00:13:38.120 --> 00:13:43.663
I'm sure at the time you felt that you'd never overcome.

00:13:43.663 --> 00:13:45.686
Yeah, correct, yeah.

00:13:45.686 --> 00:13:53.831
So what advice would you give somebody who either something is playing out publicly or silently?

00:13:53.831 --> 00:13:56.254
What advice would you give to that person?

00:13:56.254 --> 00:13:59.875
Because I think that hopelessness really kicks in.

00:13:59.875 --> 00:14:04.099
And you don't think you really can ever get it.

00:14:04.139 --> 00:14:06.980
Here's the thing when a betrayal like that happens.

00:14:06.980 --> 00:14:14.946
It can happen not just with our lovers, right.

00:14:14.946 --> 00:14:16.928
It can happen with family members who deeply betray us in various ways.

00:14:16.928 --> 00:14:22.359
For me, I think the best way to look at it is that nobody runs for help because they feel great.

00:14:22.359 --> 00:14:28.653
Nobody comes to my office like, hey, dr Nan, I feel fabulous.

00:14:28.653 --> 00:14:31.892
People come because they're on their knees and betrayal brings us to our knees and it's incredibly painful.

00:14:32.826 --> 00:14:42.051
But it is a chance for us to go inside, to reach out for help, to say, hey, I need help, can you help me get through this?

00:14:42.051 --> 00:14:50.379
And usually, when somebody does reach out for help, it's a chance for you to really start to also work on yourself.

00:14:50.379 --> 00:14:53.092
Like, what have I been tolerating?

00:14:53.092 --> 00:14:54.451
Did I miss the signs?

00:14:54.451 --> 00:14:58.066
Was I just plain pretending my marriage, you know?

00:14:58.066 --> 00:14:59.912
Was it just going along to get along?

00:14:59.912 --> 00:15:02.048
Was I people pleasing, right?

00:15:02.048 --> 00:15:09.046
And so you get to ask yourself all of these questions because you can't change the other person, you can't control the other person.

00:15:09.046 --> 00:15:14.950
It's a great time to really ground in yourself, ironically, because that's all you can do.

00:15:14.950 --> 00:15:17.471
So you have to get strong to get through it.

00:15:17.730 --> 00:15:18.251
I agree.

00:15:18.251 --> 00:15:19.152
That's the piece.

00:15:19.152 --> 00:15:41.595
Like you said, when you're in a relationship, it's messy and you're dealing with human emotions and real life and all these things that can happen, you have to realize that all you can do is control your lane, control how you respond to this, because you can't control other people.

00:15:43.225 --> 00:15:57.229
Right, and of course, you have to give yourself all the space for all of your emotions anger, sadness, rage, fear because there's going to be a mix of them, and that's what happens is that we, first of all, we feel emotionally dysregulated.

00:15:57.229 --> 00:16:02.447
We feel so emotionally overwhelmed, so usually that's when we go to therapy, right?

00:16:02.447 --> 00:16:08.496
Also, we feel like a total lack of trust in self and in others.

00:16:09.258 --> 00:16:10.440
How did I not see this?

00:16:10.440 --> 00:16:12.211
How could this have happened?

00:16:12.211 --> 00:16:22.076
And so those are the three things emotional dysregulation, lack of trust in others and a whole kind of almost cognitive dissonance about ourselves.

00:16:22.076 --> 00:16:24.832
I thought I was a strong person.

00:16:24.832 --> 00:16:26.311
How could this have ever happened to me?

00:16:26.311 --> 00:16:27.809
I thought we were in love.

00:16:27.809 --> 00:16:29.451
What do I even know?

00:16:29.706 --> 00:16:47.828
that's what I think is so confusing and that's why it's so hard to get out of a toxic relationship, because everything's upside down love, bombing, craziness and you get used to living life like you're jumping out of a plane.

00:16:47.828 --> 00:16:50.136
You do, you get used to it.

00:16:50.136 --> 00:16:55.894
Yesterday I went on the radio here in Boston and it's intense.

00:16:56.033 --> 00:17:11.355
They move very quickly at a radio station that size and it made me think about my life photographing covers at the clip that I did and how really challenging and intense being in that world was.

00:17:11.355 --> 00:17:14.810
But it didn't bother me because I was so seasoned to it.

00:17:14.810 --> 00:17:16.294
I did it on repeat.

00:17:16.294 --> 00:17:18.018
I put out a new cover every two weeks.

00:17:18.018 --> 00:17:25.689
So I didn't think about it because it was just something I got used to doing and I think your body can overcompensate.

00:17:25.729 --> 00:17:30.258
Your mind can overcompensate for a lot of things not working.

00:17:30.258 --> 00:17:36.315
Who knows how long things weren't working for these people, we don't know.

00:17:36.315 --> 00:17:39.626
This was a question that someone had asked me to ask you.

00:17:39.626 --> 00:17:48.954
Do you think that everybody knows down deep something's wrong or that potentially someone could be cheating, or do most people not see the red flags?

00:17:50.805 --> 00:17:55.730
And almost like I think that women if we're going to talk about women in general I think they have amazing intuition.

00:17:55.730 --> 00:17:56.271
I agree.

00:17:57.246 --> 00:17:58.952
And I think that they do know.

00:17:58.952 --> 00:18:13.493
But again, if you're financially dependent upon this person, if one of your children is acting out right, or you have a parent that you're dealing with or you just have, you've been living in a relationship that hasn't been validating, so you don't trust yourself anymore.

00:18:13.493 --> 00:18:30.858
There's a lot of reasons why, even though you dismiss it, you deny it, you ignore it because it's scary to face and you have to be ready to blow up your life, almost theoretically and I think a lot of it in this country, especially with COVID, was the financial dependence.

00:18:31.579 --> 00:18:32.441
Yeah sure.

00:18:33.164 --> 00:18:37.396
So it's not this cut and dry situation by any means.

00:18:37.396 --> 00:18:43.657
That's where they will be able to navigate this easier, because there is money there.

00:18:57.365 --> 00:19:04.162
Yes, and we live in a world now where there are services where, if they did want to work on their marriage if I don't know if they do where they can go to a retreat or go see Terry Real, one of these amazing couples therapists there's a bunch of them that run them, but they do have money, so they're more resourced than most.

00:19:04.162 --> 00:19:05.505
I think they have three children, right.

00:19:05.845 --> 00:19:10.486
I think the CEO does they have three children, right?

00:19:10.506 --> 00:19:10.906
I think the ceo does.

00:19:10.906 --> 00:19:11.990
Yes, yeah, so people often stay together for that too.

00:19:11.990 --> 00:19:13.051
But yeah, they do have money so that.

00:19:13.051 --> 00:19:27.169
But it doesn't matter, because even though they have resources and they can get help, still same pain still a long road yeah what do you think the survival of marriage is?

00:19:28.411 --> 00:19:29.593
overcoming the cheating?

00:19:29.593 --> 00:19:35.351
Do you see half and half, that the marriage is just over or the relationship is just over?

00:19:35.351 --> 00:19:36.815
What would you say?

00:19:36.875 --> 00:19:42.888
I would say half and half, oh really yeah, I've seen a lot of people work through it.

00:19:42.888 --> 00:19:49.317
Let me think about that that's probably 70, 30 probably 70.

00:19:49.397 --> 00:20:07.509
Can't get over it, but I've seen 30 get over it interesting especially if you've been together for a long time, and sometimes I say this in one long marriage you can have one, two, you can act, have act one, act two and act three, especially if you're going to be with this partner for a long time and try to grow together.

00:20:07.509 --> 00:20:16.556
And there's also a difference between chronic cheating, somebody who's a sex addict and has to go to a massage parlor a few times a week.

00:20:16.556 --> 00:20:17.558
It's all different types.

00:20:17.558 --> 00:20:20.515
This was clearly a romantic connection.

00:20:20.515 --> 00:20:24.132
This seems extraordinarily painful.

00:20:24.693 --> 00:20:25.175
I would agree.

00:20:25.175 --> 00:20:32.398
You could see visually, see two people happy and then just melt down on screen.

00:20:32.398 --> 00:20:35.068
That was what was so crazy about it.

00:20:35.810 --> 00:20:48.109
Yeah, and it was so raw and it was so real and it was the shadow side of life which we all have and we get fascinated when we see it in reality.

00:20:48.130 --> 00:20:49.830
We get fascinated when we see it in reality.

00:20:49.830 --> 00:20:51.571
I know People were almost obsessed with it.

00:20:51.571 --> 00:21:00.557
I mean all content creators that next day scrapped what they were doing, whether they were in the love space or not, and were covering it.

00:21:00.617 --> 00:21:02.838
I know I didn't cover it you didn't?

00:21:03.740 --> 00:21:04.740
Yeah, I was wondering.

00:21:04.759 --> 00:21:05.621
I didn't cover it.

00:21:05.760 --> 00:21:09.403
That's interesting because you cover everything, I cover everything.

00:21:16.545 --> 00:21:16.721
Yeah, wondering, I didn't cover it.

00:21:16.721 --> 00:21:17.155
That's interesting, because you cover everything, you cover, I cover everything.

00:21:17.155 --> 00:21:19.068
Yeah, I just, and maybe because of what has happened to me, I didn't feel right to exploit it.

00:21:19.068 --> 00:21:19.086
I don't know.

00:21:19.086 --> 00:21:23.330
We're having an intelligent conversation about it, without judgment, and we're trying to deconstruct it.

00:21:23.912 --> 00:21:27.969
I think that's different I agree that's different when I'm not judging anybody who use it.

00:21:28.029 --> 00:21:29.535
That's the beauty of social media.

00:21:29.535 --> 00:21:31.413
It's freedom and it's creativity.

00:21:31.413 --> 00:21:36.917
I just saw it and I was going to do something and I was like you know what?

00:21:36.917 --> 00:21:38.647
No, I don't.

00:21:38.647 --> 00:21:39.349
I didn't want to do it.

00:21:39.349 --> 00:21:41.497
Yeah, Cover everything.

00:21:41.704 --> 00:21:52.087
Well, I know you cover everything and I love your content and I love your book and I watch it all and I think you're the best of the best and your story is unbelievable.

00:21:52.087 --> 00:21:57.345
And I just a couple people were like, has anyone reached out to Dr Ney?

00:21:57.345 --> 00:22:01.693
And and same thing, I was a little hesitant about it myself.

00:22:01.693 --> 00:22:08.336
But if we come from a place of compassion and no judgment, that's right, then that's the way to do it.

00:22:08.336 --> 00:22:14.210
And people are afraid of cheating and they're afraid of a lot of the things that we talk about.

00:22:14.210 --> 00:22:23.635
And then it disempowers you because you give the person who cheated the power that you can never find love again.

00:22:23.635 --> 00:22:27.890
If you don't look at it and heal, then they win.

00:22:27.890 --> 00:22:32.593
Then you never move past it and I see that all the time with people.

00:22:32.593 --> 00:22:40.752
They're like I'm just not ready yet and they take a long, long time and I wonder sometimes if they'll ever be ready.

00:22:40.752 --> 00:22:42.237
You know.

00:22:42.325 --> 00:22:50.311
Yeah, because a broken heart is real, right, it's a very real, extraordinarily painful experience.

00:22:50.311 --> 00:22:57.851
Yet to really heal, we can't heal in isolation, that's right, right.

00:22:57.851 --> 00:23:13.691
So over time, once somebody has built up some resilience, the best thing to do is to try to connect with others again, because then you can have a corrective emotional experience where you can trust again, and that's how we heal.

00:23:13.691 --> 00:23:15.911
We can't heal in isolation.

00:23:15.911 --> 00:23:29.692
We can go in isolation for a while to cocoon and to regulate our nervous system and feel safe, but then eventually, if we want to get that real healing, we have to connect.

00:23:30.226 --> 00:23:31.450
You have to get back out there.

00:23:32.172 --> 00:23:32.994
Yeah, you just do.

00:23:33.826 --> 00:23:54.298
When you have something that people are getting caught, say on social media or on cell phones or on a jumbotron, do you think cheating is higher now, or the chances of hiding it are better, or the chances of getting exposed are higher because of technology?

00:23:56.048 --> 00:24:00.356
Yeah, I think people have just been cheating since the beginning of the time and they're going to continue to do it.

00:24:00.458 --> 00:24:00.617
Yeah.

00:24:00.884 --> 00:24:03.317
But I think they're getting caught.

00:24:03.317 --> 00:24:12.989
I agree because of the ipads, because of the phones, because of the cloud not deleting deleted pictures, people seeing them.

00:24:13.150 --> 00:24:30.576
I think you have to be like a detective yeah, oh my gosh, it's crazy, I'm sure, and I know you write about these different stories and you change the names and all that in your book but some of these things are insane that you've written about.

00:24:30.576 --> 00:24:33.911
Why do you think you use those examples in your book?

00:24:34.732 --> 00:24:35.715
because they're real.

00:24:35.715 --> 00:24:44.797
One of the stories in there is about this young woman who meets this young man and well, bombing, you're the love of my life.

00:24:44.797 --> 00:24:47.891
But he has a whole secret life behind her.

00:24:47.891 --> 00:25:03.134
I explain in the book how he's tricking her, how something about like her location, like he, like she has his location, but when he would go out he'd leave his phone at home right right to trick her.

00:25:03.134 --> 00:25:06.806
I mean, there's just so many ways that he did it and it ended up.

00:25:06.846 --> 00:25:28.877
I think she found out he was having sex with like 25 different people, men and women crazy crazy and she had no idea because of all of the ways that he went to hide it well, that was the word that I was looking for in the beginning, when I said they were brazen or it was just so above the law kind of thing.

00:25:28.877 --> 00:25:33.548
But the word that I was actually looking for was manipulation.

00:25:33.548 --> 00:25:34.852
That's what it was.

00:25:34.912 --> 00:25:55.196
It wasn't narcissistic behavior, it was more manipulative behavior right, because somebody can just come to you and be like hey, honey, have a great day, have fun with the kids, soccer you, I'll see you tonight after that business meeting, all the while knowing that they are having a date and meeting somebody at a hotel that night.

00:25:55.196 --> 00:25:58.653
It's crazy, right.

00:25:58.653 --> 00:26:04.498
So then you don't think anything and then comes home and life goes on.

00:26:05.226 --> 00:26:13.971
In your opinion, and I saw Bethany Frankel put something out that was like listen, at the end of the day, everybody gets paid whatever she put out.

00:26:13.971 --> 00:26:15.516
I thought it was good it was great.

00:26:15.576 --> 00:26:17.788
It was great, it was great.

00:26:17.788 --> 00:26:24.769
She said I forgot what she said, but I never repost her stuff, and that I did repost.

00:26:24.788 --> 00:26:25.349
Oh you did.

00:26:25.349 --> 00:26:29.919
I thought it was great because it was like you're going to see your child's tutor.

00:26:29.919 --> 00:26:31.869
You're going to see all these people here.

00:26:31.869 --> 00:26:33.996
Boston's a pretty relatively small city.

00:26:33.996 --> 00:26:34.946
You know everybody.

00:26:34.946 --> 00:26:37.192
Most Bostonians are from here and they stay here.

00:26:37.192 --> 00:26:44.076
So to think that you're not going to run into someone, that was a little crazy to me too.

00:26:44.076 --> 00:26:49.917
But I think it's that manipulative behavior, I think that makes people really nervous.

00:26:51.483 --> 00:26:56.153
Yeah, and I think what she was implying was that it's just not worth it.

00:26:56.575 --> 00:26:57.636
Right, I love that.

00:26:58.157 --> 00:27:00.071
Right, like, what do you want?

00:27:00.071 --> 00:27:08.058
You want any W, you want new, but eventually you're going to get screwed yeah.

00:27:08.058 --> 00:27:17.516
Like it's going to come back to you Like you think it's not, but is it really worth it to do that, to just to blow up your whole entire life?

00:27:17.757 --> 00:27:20.612
And it's like the saying the juice isn't worth the squeeze.

00:27:20.612 --> 00:27:22.218
It's never worth it.

00:27:22.218 --> 00:27:25.910
And they're not upgrading here, they're not leveling up.

00:27:26.913 --> 00:27:27.775
No, and listen.

00:27:27.775 --> 00:27:32.426
Sometimes there is sex addiction involved on the betraying partner right.

00:27:32.426 --> 00:27:34.972
Sometimes it's just the need for external validation.

00:27:34.972 --> 00:27:45.346
Sometimes it's the need, like I said, for a new piece of ass to get that excitement and all the dopamine and all those great hormones flowing.

00:27:45.346 --> 00:27:52.738
Sometimes it's boredom, but whatever it is, is it really worth it in the end?

00:27:53.298 --> 00:28:02.180
well, it's not even real, because we saw how fast things got real once they were exposed, all those dopamine hits.

00:28:02.180 --> 00:28:04.548
It's based on not real life.

00:28:04.548 --> 00:28:09.317
Right, the feelings aren't real.

00:28:09.636 --> 00:28:34.853
Really they might be, they feel real, they feel real this is what I would always say when I would work with a couple let's just say when I used to do more couples work and I would say to the cheating partner imagine how painful it feels for your partner to think to themselves how was I not in your heart and mind, how were our children not in your heart and mind as you were doing this?

00:28:34.853 --> 00:28:35.974
And that's how.

00:28:35.974 --> 00:28:39.054
That's because they can compartmentalize this part of their brain.

00:28:39.054 --> 00:28:45.412
The prefrontal cortex is not connected to the reptilian part and that's just incredibly painful.

00:28:45.412 --> 00:28:47.497
So they think it's that feels real.

00:28:47.497 --> 00:28:49.549
And they're doing it because now they want to go back.

00:28:49.549 --> 00:28:54.477
They're addicted right, they get like a biochemical addiction to that feeling like a drug.

00:28:54.904 --> 00:29:01.807
But that's the same kind of feeling that you taught me about why people can't get out of the toxic relationships.

00:29:01.988 --> 00:29:02.911
Same exact thing.

00:29:03.010 --> 00:29:07.449
But unless you live through it, people don't understand it and they'll never understand it.

00:29:08.531 --> 00:29:24.991
No, no, no, Because you get addicted to the highs and to the lows and the trauma bonds, and in this people really get addicted to the high of the affair and it becomes a drug like heroin, and so they're willing to risk everything for it.

00:29:26.115 --> 00:29:26.856
Which is crazy.

00:29:26.856 --> 00:29:42.213
But this is why it's an interesting topic, because there can be a lot of learning, because I would think a lot of people would want to understand this better, but maybe not, because, again, it's like I don't want to look at it.

00:29:42.213 --> 00:29:44.769
It's too scary, it's uncomfortable to me.

00:29:45.250 --> 00:29:47.758
Or if they're doing it, they're like oh shit.

00:29:48.239 --> 00:29:50.244
Yeah, I think that was one of my last questions.

00:29:50.244 --> 00:30:01.315
Is that if somebody looked at the situation and before they didn't see any red flags within their relationship, and now they start to wonder what would you say to that person?

00:30:01.315 --> 00:30:12.729
Like, stay with your gut, maybe this triggered something for you and you're like, hmm, actually he hasn't been coming home on time or whatever that you didn't see before, what would you say to them?

00:30:13.411 --> 00:30:18.209
What I would say to them is two things Trust your gut, because it does know.

00:30:18.209 --> 00:30:27.073
I just did something with Laura Richards, who I love, and she said something so important Get curious.

00:30:27.073 --> 00:30:30.557
It's okay to be continually curious.

00:30:30.557 --> 00:30:31.618
Why did you come?

00:30:31.638 --> 00:30:32.826
home late when were you?

00:30:33.207 --> 00:30:34.690
Wait, who did you say you were with?

00:30:34.690 --> 00:30:41.095
It's okay to do that, and she was talking about it really in regards to first dates, how we just take what everybody says.

00:30:41.174 --> 00:30:42.546
Yeah, I was like the queen of that.

00:30:42.546 --> 00:30:44.189
Yeah, right Me too.

00:30:45.190 --> 00:30:46.231
Everybody's like us.

00:30:46.231 --> 00:30:51.980
But no, to really get curious, and let's use my situation, for example.

00:30:51.980 --> 00:30:59.490
When I met jordan and he was like I'm married but I'm separated and he had a separate apartment, I just believed him.

00:30:59.490 --> 00:31:01.876
I should have been more curious.

00:31:01.876 --> 00:31:05.365
But you were also a young girl, I was 22, 23.

00:31:05.365 --> 00:31:08.873
I didn't even know any of that, I didn didn't know anything from anything.

00:31:08.873 --> 00:31:11.479
But that's what she says and I agree.

00:31:11.479 --> 00:31:14.030
It's okay to stay curious and press.

00:31:14.792 --> 00:31:15.414
It was interesting.

00:31:15.414 --> 00:31:29.636
I was having a conversation about somebody that I met and there were some red flags around a business deal and now this person has kind of come back in my field again.

00:31:29.636 --> 00:31:41.031
He reminds me of somebody I knew from my past and I was saying if I didn't do all this work on relationships, none of this stuff would have registered in my life.

00:31:41.773 --> 00:32:02.682
That's right, which is why I feel like all these conversations are important and your book's important and my book's important, because if people don't have any strategy or if they don't have any education around this, they will keep repeating yes, education leads to empowerment absolutely yeah, we.

00:32:02.722 --> 00:32:05.671
That's why I wrote my book, because we have to name it, to tame it.

00:32:05.671 --> 00:32:13.234
And when you're in these situations, whether it's a trauma bond or your partner's betraying you, you think you're crazy, right, but you're not.

00:32:13.234 --> 00:32:16.507
You read something that's educational and validating.

00:32:16.527 --> 00:32:28.476
You're like, oh okay no, I think that be curious is something that I've never heard you say before, and I think it's really good tip.

00:32:28.476 --> 00:32:36.874
Any tips for someone blindsided or somebody who doesn't think they'll ever bounce back?

00:32:37.575 --> 00:32:39.137
Yeah well, you will bounce back.

00:32:39.137 --> 00:32:46.928
And here's the thing about heartbreak it shatters you into pieces and you feel like your world is ending and you feel hopeless.

00:32:46.928 --> 00:32:52.971
And when that happens, like I said, you have to give yourself the space to feel your emotions.

00:32:52.971 --> 00:32:55.016
Don't judge them, don't judge yourself.

00:32:55.016 --> 00:32:58.671
If you're the person that's been betrayed, it's not your fault.

00:32:58.671 --> 00:33:02.747
Shame is for the person that has done the betraying.

00:33:02.747 --> 00:33:08.590
And so I want to be very clear about that, because victims often blame themselves and reach out for the helpers.

00:33:08.590 --> 00:33:10.243
Get themselves and reach out for the helpers.

00:33:10.243 --> 00:33:14.472
Get educated, reach out for the helpers and you will heal.

00:33:14.472 --> 00:33:17.246
But healing is a process and it's not linear.

00:33:17.246 --> 00:33:22.335
It's one step forward, two steps back, and you're worth it.

00:33:23.196 --> 00:33:23.837
That's awesome.

00:33:23.837 --> 00:33:24.519
I love this.

00:33:24.519 --> 00:33:25.226
This is great.

00:33:25.226 --> 00:33:31.057
You're just the best of the best and I'm grateful for your time and thank you so much for having me.

00:33:31.057 --> 00:33:32.539
Yeah, thanks, dr Nay.

00:33:32.539 --> 00:33:35.115
Where can people find out more about you and your book?

00:33:35.858 --> 00:33:43.336
Yeah, go to my Instagram the real Dr Nadine and then go to my website, drnaynaecom.

00:33:43.336 --> 00:33:45.171
Sign up for my newsletter.

00:33:45.171 --> 00:33:48.114
So many free resources on my website.

00:33:48.114 --> 00:33:51.847
Get my book, get my book run like hell.

00:33:51.847 --> 00:33:55.358
You can get it on my website or on Amazon and I don't know if you know, but I started a community.

00:33:55.358 --> 00:34:14.257
So what I did is I took my book and I put it into a course and I have an online course of my book and then I have a community called Sir Thrivers so all women that are in trauma bonds or healing from trauma bonds can join for $30 a month and I run support groups and all sorts of fantastic stuff.

00:34:14.525 --> 00:34:15.507
Wow, I love that.

00:34:15.507 --> 00:34:21.331
I know a lot of people who would want that actually, so I'm glad that I had you back on just for that piece alone.

00:34:21.932 --> 00:34:23.014
Yeah, yeah, so it's good.

00:34:23.014 --> 00:34:23.936
I started in February.

00:34:23.936 --> 00:34:28.451
It's going amazing, I'm sure, and the women are so supportive and validating of each other.

00:34:28.451 --> 00:34:29.512
It's beautiful to see.

00:34:29.652 --> 00:34:30.413
That's so nice.

00:34:30.413 --> 00:34:35.920
You are an earth angel, Dr Ney Some days, not every day.

00:34:38.105 --> 00:34:45.197
You're the best so thanks so much and for now, this week's Shot at Love dating tips inspired by our guest, dr Nadine Macaluso.

00:34:45.197 --> 00:34:52.186
Number one be curious.

00:34:52.186 --> 00:34:53.210
Ask questions, especially in the beginning.

00:34:53.210 --> 00:34:54.695
Curiosity builds connection and reveals character.

00:34:54.695 --> 00:34:55.036
Don't just talk.

00:34:55.036 --> 00:34:55.376
Listen.

00:34:55.376 --> 00:34:59.288
Number two healing isn't linear and heartbreak takes time.

00:34:59.288 --> 00:35:00.972
You've got to feel it to heal it.

00:35:00.972 --> 00:35:04.367
Don't rush the process and don't be afraid to ask for help.

00:35:04.367 --> 00:35:07.552
Number three you can rebuild your life.

00:35:07.552 --> 00:35:16.235
Even if things fell apart in unimaginable ways, you're capable of rising again, stronger, wiser and even better than ever.

00:35:16.235 --> 00:35:20.673
I hope you found some of my tips helpful this week.

00:35:20.673 --> 00:35:24.391
This is what Shot at Love is here for to help you find love.

00:35:24.391 --> 00:35:29.150
Keep up the commitment to yourself and commit to someone else by sharing this podcast.

00:35:29.150 --> 00:35:35.340
Stay safe and stay tuned for more episodes and, if you like, this show, keep up the commitment to yourself and commit to someone else by sharing this podcast.

00:35:35.340 --> 00:35:36.541
Stay safe and stay tuned for more episodes.

00:35:36.541 --> 00:35:38.304
And if you like this show, please subscribe and leave a five-star review.

00:35:38.304 --> 00:35:42.032
I'm Keri Brett and we'll see you next time.