May 7, 2025
Breaking Free from Toxic Triangulation with Pamela Byrd
Have you ever found yourself caught in a web of drama that seems impossible to escape? Do toxic relationships keep you from fulfilling your true potential? In this enlightening conversation, boundaries coach and author Pamela Beard unveils the hidden dynamics of triangulation—a pattern that traps countless people in cycles of emotional conflict. Pamela, author of "Triangulation: How to Break Free from Toxic Relationships," shares her expert insights on recognizing unhealthy relationship patt...
Have you ever found yourself caught in a web of drama that seems impossible to escape? Do toxic relationships keep you from fulfilling your true potential? In this enlightening conversation, boundaries coach and author Pamela Beard unveils the hidden dynamics of triangulation—a pattern that traps countless people in cycles of emotional conflict.
Pamela, author of "Triangulation: How to Break Free from Toxic Relationships," shares her expert insights on recognizing unhealthy relationship patterns and setting boundaries that honor your worth. She explains the critical difference between healthy boundaries (permeable fences with gates you control) and unhealthy ones (impenetrable walls that block both harm and good). This distinction alone provides a powerful framework for understanding why many of us struggle with relationships despite our best intentions.
The conversation delves into the spiritual dimensions of boundary-setting, revealing how our internal decisions about what we will and won't accept create the foundation for external boundaries—those we communicate and enforce through action. Pamela doesn't shy away from challenging perspectives, noting that some people become comfortable in victimhood, preferring to complain rather than make the decisions necessary for change.
Perhaps most powerfully, Pamela connects boundary-setting to our divine purpose, explaining that the enemy uses drama and triangulation to distract us from fulfilling our God-given potential. By recognizing these patterns and understanding that our battle isn't with people but with negative spiritual forces working through relationships, we gain clarity and compassion for addressing conflicts.
Whether you're struggling with family dynamics, workplace relationships, or personal boundaries, this episode offers practical wisdom grounded in spiritual truth. Pamela's approach to journaling as a tool for connecting head and heart provides a tangible practice for developing self-awareness and making healthier choices. Join us to discover how breaking free from triangulation can open the door to living your purpose with clarity, peace, and joy.
Connect with Pamela Byrd and check out her website and Book - Triangulation
FACEBOOK GROUP: (5) BOLD Boundaries from a Tender Heart | Facebook
YOUTUBE: (1) Let's Talk Boundaries with Pamela Byrd - YouTube
WEBSITE: https://byrdseyeview.mvsite.app/products/offers/view/1181988
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00:00 - Welcome to Ready Set Collaborate
02:51 - Understanding Boundaries with Pamela Beard
09:32 - Setting Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries
16:39 - Triangulation: Breaking Free from Drama
22:19 - Connecting Head and Heart
24:26 - Finding Healing and Making an Impact
WEBVTT
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Welcome to Ready Set.
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Collaborate with Wanda Pearson.
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This is where ideas spark, connections grow and collaborations fuse success.
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Tune in for inspiring stories, expert insights and game-changing conversations.
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Let's build, connect and thrive together.
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Remember collaboration is the key to success.
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Welcome.
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Welcome to the Ready Set Collaborate podcast with Wanda Pearson and my host, pamela Beard.
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I was so excited to have her on the first time so I got to bring her back on again because you know what?
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She got a new book out here, so I'm your host, wanda Pearson.
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Today we have a very great treat for Pam to teach us about boundaries as well as her new book, triangulation.
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Is that what it's called, pam?
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Yes.
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Triangulation how to Break Free from Toxic Relationships.
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Absolutely.
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I love that and that is so good.
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That is so needed today here.
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So we're going to dive into Pam's inspiring journey from passion to purpose and I'm going to talk about I'm sorry.
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Pam say hello to our audience here.
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Hello everyone.
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So glad that you're listening in and taking advantage of this learning opportunity.
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Absolutely, we're about educating, empowering people right and collaboration Absolutely about educating, empowering people right and collaboration absolutely I say collaboration is the key to success.
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So let me tell you about pam here.
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Pam beer is our boundaries coach, journaling practitioner, podcast host of let's talk boundaries and a published author I gotta come on your show, pam, that's right.
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Recently published book try triangulation how to break free from toxic relationships.
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It's a christ, christian-based guide to understanding and overcoming the dysfunctional patterns of behavior that hinder the journey toward fulfilling God's purpose for our lives.
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As a boundaries coach, pamela focuses on helping women set healthy boundaries in areas that truly matter.
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She conducts both live and virtual group coaching programs and one-on-one coaching.
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Pamela focuses on helping women set healthy boundaries in areas that truly matter.
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She conducts both live and virtual group coaching programs and one-on-one coaching.
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With over 20 years of experience in corporate training and development, she has designed self-paced curricula to empower her clients in building self-confidence and inserting themselves effectively.
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Pamela also facilitates a private Facebook group, let's Talk Boundaries.
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So make sure you follow Pam on Facebook, let's Talk Boundaries, providing a forum for group members to share their boundary questions and gain insights into how to handle each situation successfully.
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Pamela's experience with journaling since the age of 11 was positioned her as a journaling expert, helping others realize the value of journaling as a stimulus for emotional healing and personal growth.
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Thank you, pam.
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That is awesome because we definitely need that today with everything that's going on in this world, and I appreciate you coming on to the Ready Set Collaborate podcast.
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Thank you for inviting me.
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Wanda, oh, you are welcome.
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You are welcome.
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So we're going to dive into some questions and we're going to talk about boundaries, but did you have something else to add that I have not said in your bio?
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Actually, yeah, this is my second book.
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Actually, my first book I published two years ago and it was called I had a Twin Disrupting the cycle of childhood traumas, and this book was inspired by my twin sister, who took her life three years ago as a result of the childhood trauma that she and I both experienced at least 90 percent we both experience.
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It just goes to show how people what's the word I'm looking for?
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People react differently to the traumas, even if it's the same traumas, and it's so important that we identify what we're doing now to heal from those traumas so that we don't cause collateral damage with the residual effects.
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And that's what that book is about helping people to understand how to identify those traumas so they can heal and not pass that on to different generations.
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Absolutely.
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I think we're in the same space here because we came out with our books around the same time.
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We did God's Grace Through the Fire from Struggle to Triumph, and how I went through, like you, trauma and abuse, and actually you brought out triangulation.
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I'm bringing out forgiveness, forgiveness.
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Oh, absolutely, which is so important.
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I love that people think I have to forgive them.
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I don't want to forgive them and you're going to be talking about it.
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Forgiveness is not about that person, it's about you, because that's part of your healing process exactly.
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You got to forgive yourself first.
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Yeah, so my book is coming out too, pam.
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It seems like we're on the same wavelength, girl, because you have your book, I have my book.
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We write verses.
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We're just trying to educate people to not be stuck in those places, because a lot of times we get stuck and you don't realize that it's affecting you, your mental health, in being able to release it.
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So they always say forgive yourself first.
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Yeah, I didn't understand that.
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I didn't understand that first.
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Why do I have to forgive myself first?
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I didn't do anything, but it's so true.
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Because God forgave us, so we got to forgive ourselves Absolutely.
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And oh, what a wonderful blessing that he forgave us.
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It, sure is it, sure is it?
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What a wonderful blessing that he forgave us.
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It sure is.
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It sure is.
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We can talk for days here, but let's get on to what we're talking about with you.
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So creating boundaries, what?
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first led you to explore the topic of boundaries.
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Well, let's see, I started my coaching practice back in 2009.
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And in 2009, I started coaching women that really wanted to reach the goals they had set.
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One of the questions that I start with my clients is where do you want to be in the next five years?
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And then, what have you done to get there?
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To get there and I usually got crickets crickets because they weren't, they hadn't done anything to get there.
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And as I coached them, I realized there was a commonality and that commonality was the main reason people hadn't done anything with reaching their goals in the next five years is because they weren't setting the right boundaries, the healthy boundaries.
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And I wonder, there's such a difference between healthy boundaries and unhealthy boundaries, which most people don't understand.
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And in order to get where you want to be, you got set healthy boundaries, because those healthy boundaries are basically a win-win for everybody involved.
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You're not cutting anybody off, you're doing what's right for you and it's like that forgiveness.
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It's not until you forgive yourself that you realize that you're worthy enough to do the things that you wanna do, even if it's.
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I give you a period of five years.
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So what I did?
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I realized that women weren't setting the right boundaries, so I began to focus on helping women to identify the boundaries, where boundaries are needed and where they're needed, which ones are needed and how to set them.
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And a lot of times, if you haven't like, you haven't forgiven yourself, you haven't identified the traumas that you're carrying along with you, like excess baggage on an airplane, then you're going to end up spewing.
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That suitcase that you put in that overhead compartment is going to end up opening up, spewing out all over the place.
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And that's what happens when people don't identify the boundaries that are needed and what is preventing them from setting them.
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And then what they do?
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They end up being caught up in the triangulation with toxic people, toxic situations and they just accept them for what they are because they don't understand how important and valuable they are absolutely, absolutely.
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You put it all in a nutshell.
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That does make sense, so I want to ask you another question.
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So what's that?
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one simple way someone can start setting healthy boundaries today to feel in their spirit, in their heart, when something just isn't right.
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When they don't feel right, then they know there's a boundary that needs to be set.
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I tell my clients all the time, wanda, when they come to me and they have a problem or a challenge, I listen to them and then I get quiet for a moment and I say, actually you don't have a problem, you just have a decision to make.
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And they think a decision yeah, you got to identify.
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What is it about this situation that doesn't sit well with you?
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Is this a situation that, if it continues, that you'll be okay with it or you won't be okay with it?
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Does it dishonor you?
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Does it disrespect you for who you are?
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And a lot of times when people, if they don't know who they are and whose they are, then they'll probably find an excuse to settle for it.
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Oh, it's okay, they won't do it again or, I don't know, I'll get away from it.
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No, you need to set the boundary, you need to make the decision.
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If this doesn't make me feel right, then know that I'm not going to continue this.
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That's your decision and your decision is your internal boundary, because there's also a difference between internal and external boundaries.
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Your internal boundary is the boundary where you make that decision on what's right for you.
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The external boundary is the boundary you communicate or requires your action.
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So you got the thought, you got the decision.
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Now that's the internal boundary.
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Now you go for the action that you take to solidify the internal boundary, the decision that you made, so that you are in a position of peace, you're in a position of joy and you can continue on with that peace, with your life and reaching the goals that you set for yourself.
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Absolutely.
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It definitely makes sense there.
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So let me ask you something how can you tell when a relationship lacks boundaries?
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When somebody's complaining all the time.
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How many times do we have people we talk to and they just complain and then you help them through it and then they come back and they're still complaining about the same thing.
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Then you weren't listening or you didn't want to.
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And here's the other thing, wanda, which I realized.
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I'm going to step on some people's toes.
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Some people love misery, some people love being victims, and I talk in my book Triangulation, about victimhood.
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In fact I talked about it.
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Victimhood is so important, it's so prevalent that I even talked about it in my last book.
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Let's hope people get it, because you got to understand that there's no joy in victimhood, and that's one of the titles of my chapter there's no joy in victimhood.
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So you can wallow in your misery.
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But here's I do with my clients.
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This is who I am.
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I'm not here to wallow in your misery, but here's what I do with my clients.
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This is who I am.
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I'm not here to wallow in your misery with you.
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I'm here to escort you out of it If you're the type of person who wants to sit here and just complain and not do anything about it, and then when somebody like you and I, wanda, we try to help them.
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Have you considered this?
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What about this?
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Then they come up with some excuse, excuse, no, it's really not that bad.
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Oh, okay, then why are we talking about this?
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Let's talk about something that you want to do something about.
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Let's not wallow.
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It's like when people talk about you can hear my voice.
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I'm a horse.
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I don't say that I have a cold.
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I say I'm overcoming because it's not going to be here forever.
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It's going away and I'm going to keep on moving.
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So why would I sit here and wallow in my cold?
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If I wanted to go away, I would wallow.
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If I wanted to stay there, or if I wasn't willing to do what I needed to do to get rid of it.
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Sure, I could not take off medicine, I could not take my supplements, a lot of things I could not do.
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But you know what?
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I don't want to stay here.
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If you don't want to stay in the misery that you're complaining about, stop complaining about it and start figuring out how to get out of it.
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Make the decision and keep it to moving.
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We've heard that.
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Keep it to moving.
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I really.
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I want to help people, but if they don't want to be helped themselves, then they end up staying there.
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So in a relationship, if you've got people complaining all the time, I don't care what kind of relationship it is.
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If you want to continue to complain, don't expect the person that you're with to just sit back and allow you to just complain all the time.
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If you're not willing to do anything about it, you'll start noticing wow, that person doesn't answer my phone anymore, my calls anymore.
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I wonder why.
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Let's be uplifting in our conversation, let's have forward movement, let's not stay stagnant or left in a puddle or quick saying which you'll eventually go down if you continue to complain about something that you can do something about, if you simply make a decision.
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You said that and I tell you, I always say my husband said it before action speaks louder than words.
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So you're showing your action.
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Continue to tell him that too.
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Action speaks louder than words.
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Let's do, let's just do it.
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That's the biggest thing, and as far as pushing people to just do it.
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But what's the biggest misconception about boundaries?
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Let me give an example of the biggest misconception, the difference between healthy boundaries and unhealthy boundaries.
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An unhealthy boundary is pretty much like running up against a brick wall or you putting up a brick wall.
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People get hurt and they decide you know what?
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I don't want to get hurt again, Even if it's in relationships.
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Let's say you broke up in a relationship and that person treated you so wrong for male or female, it doesn't matter, they treated you wrong.
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So now you go and you put up a wall.
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Well, the only thing about that wall and the reason it's an unhealthy boundary is because you can't.
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You don't allow good to come in, Even if you don't allow good to come in, Even if you don't want bad to come in, you don't allow the good to come in because you can't see it.
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And the healthy boundary is putting up a fence, let's say a white picket fence, because you have a latch there.
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You can see over that and you can use not only your common sense but you can allow yourself to receive that which is good and keep out that which is bad.
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And the only way you're going to know that is if you have a fence instead of a wall, and that you do the work and I'd say in your journal, writing in your prayer, in your reading this is your opportunity to decide whether this is something that's good for you or something that's not, and so you have control over that latch on that fence, but you do not have control over that wall.
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Absolutely, absolutely.
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And I love that.
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So, true.
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So we're going to go on to your book Triangulation.
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I'm just going to read a little part of the introduction.
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There's a war raging and you are right in the middle of it.
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Why?
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Because you hold something far more precious than any other creature on this earth you hold the key to God's heart.
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So just that little piece of insert.
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What is Triangulation about and why that title?
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That's interesting because I am doing a master class on triangulation, because most people don't really understand what triangulation is and how it relates to toxic relationships.
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Triangulation is, first of all, triangulation comes from the drama triangle.
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It's a dysfunctional model of behavior that was created by Dr Stephen Clarkman back in 1968.
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And what it does is this is a what do you call it?
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An inverted triangle.
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So it's not your upside, your regular, with the point at the top and two points on the bottom, but for an inverted triangle that's upside down, that's dysfunctional and there's three positions within that triangle.
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There's the persecutor, the victim and the rescuer.
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So a lot of times when people have dealt with childhood traumas or any kind, there's so many different traumas and people need to identify what their traumas are.
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What they end up doing is they end up behaving in a way that shows they haven't healed from that trauma, and so they'll do it in one of the three positions within that drama triangle.
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So the triangulation comes into play when you've got two people that are in conflict one way or another.
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Could be a family member, sister, brother, mother, father, aunt, co-worker, friend, business partner.
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It could be anyone.
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There's a conflict.
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Then they go and run and tell it to somebody else and expect somebody else to come and solve that problem for them or get in their business.
00:16:40.623 --> 00:16:46.318
When you've got two people in a conflict and you bring another person in, that's three points.
00:16:46.318 --> 00:16:58.336
That's a triangulation and it's really I like to think of it as strangulation, because you've just created so much more havoc than you had when you first started with two people.
00:16:58.336 --> 00:17:04.307
And people do it every single day and so triangulation needs to be understood.
00:17:04.468 --> 00:17:17.825
In my masterclass I'm doing on May 17th in Atlanta, in Marietta in particular, I'm going to be providing examples of how triangulation plays out in our lives every single day and I'm going to give each participant an opportunity to identify where triangulation is out in our lives every single day.
00:17:17.825 --> 00:17:29.005
And I'm going to give each participant an opportunity to identify where triangulation is happening in their lives so that they can identify it, because self-awareness is key Once we identify it and what our role is in it.
00:17:29.005 --> 00:18:05.515
Then the rest of my book talks about how to get out of triangulation, how to step out of the drama triangle, how to make sure that you're not doing the drama dance, going from one position to the other, because it's easy to do if you're not aware of what's happening, so that you can continue on and get rid of the distractions that are preventing you from living your life on purpose, for the reason that God placed you here, because we leave this earth and so full of people's drama and creating our own drama that we haven't been educated or taken the time to really identify.
00:18:05.515 --> 00:18:07.380
What is it that's holding me back?
00:18:07.721 --> 00:18:09.806
It's not my sister, my brother, my mother, my father.
00:18:09.846 --> 00:18:37.992
It's not anybody but me, and I got to figure out how to take ownership of that, how to take authority of that, so that I can move on and set the boundaries the healthy boundaries that I need to figure out how to take ownership of that, how to take authority of that, so that I can move on and set the boundaries the healthy boundaries that I need to do in my relationships to make sure that they're not sabotaging me and holding me hostage to my past and preventing me from moving forward freely, in peace and joy and in hope for the future of what you have to do, because God placed you here to do something.
00:18:38.515 --> 00:18:43.458
Now I want you to do, and everybody else to do, what I'm going to do when I die.
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I'm going to go up to heaven.
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I'm going to be in my Jesus arms and I'm going to hear God say to me Well done, my good and faithful servant, because I didn't allow anybody else to pull me into the drama triangle and to triangulate me and take time away from me, focusing on what God placed me here to do, and to do it.
00:19:02.667 --> 00:19:03.691
Amen, amen.
00:19:03.691 --> 00:19:10.288
You put it in a nutshell there, girl, I tell you I love it, because that's what we have to continue to pray and trust in God.
00:19:10.454 --> 00:19:15.465
Really, with everything that we go through and we try to solve it ourselves.
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It's not going to solve ourselves.
00:19:17.281 --> 00:19:17.875
You got to ask God for help to help you with that, so let me we try to solve it ourselves.
00:19:17.875 --> 00:19:18.188
It's not going to solve ourselves.
00:19:18.188 --> 00:19:20.290
You got to ask God for help to help you with that, so let me.
00:19:20.290 --> 00:19:21.172
We got to move on here.
00:19:21.172 --> 00:19:24.200
So how does it relate to emotional or relational conflict?
00:19:24.200 --> 00:19:30.461
I think you probably talked about that a little bit, so yeah, and that's why I talk about journaling.
00:19:30.583 --> 00:19:35.018
Journal writing is because what there are different styles of journaling.
00:19:35.077 --> 00:19:54.532
I typically teach on five different styles two pretty much people know about, but there's three that are advanced styles and if you can learn how to incorporate those journaling styles, it will help you to create a connection between your head and your strategy, your thinking.
00:19:55.053 --> 00:20:16.481
Too many times when we have problems in relationships because we're allowing our emotion, our heart, to control every decision that we make and it keeps us in misery when we do that, we got to get to the point where we snap out of the emotion, connect it with our head, our thought process, and allow the two to work in concert our head and our heart to come up with the decision that we need to make.
00:20:16.481 --> 00:20:23.684
So most of the time, it's patterns that we need to identify, but if we're going based on our emotions, we can't identify the patterns.
00:20:23.684 --> 00:20:38.458
The patterns come from thinking and putting our head with our heart and talking through it, so that we can come to a place of resolve and know what we need to do with a thought process, rather than allowing our hearts to control our decisions that we make.
00:20:39.298 --> 00:20:39.840
Absolutely.
00:20:39.840 --> 00:20:41.002
It's all about mindset.
00:20:41.002 --> 00:20:42.867
Absolutely, talk about mindset.
00:20:42.867 --> 00:20:43.856
It's all about that here.
00:20:43.856 --> 00:20:47.846
So what's one key lesson or story from the book that stands out to you?
00:20:49.394 --> 00:20:49.675
Wow.
00:20:49.675 --> 00:21:03.944
I think the biggest thing is really understanding your role and your purpose here and not allowing anyone to deter you from that, because that one, as you started reading in the book Wanda is you are.
00:21:03.944 --> 00:21:11.673
You hold the key to God's heart, but there's somebody that doesn't want you to do what God wants you to do the enemy.
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And the enemy will do everything he can to prevent you from doing it.
00:21:15.403 --> 00:21:28.923
So the biggest point is showing you how the enemy is doing everything he can and what he does, and he uses this model of triangulation, of drama triangle, to prevent you from fulfilling your purpose.
00:21:28.923 --> 00:21:33.019
And you got to identify it and understand that the people are not your enemy.
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