Lost Yourself in Marriage? How to Reclaim Your Identity After Divorce | Chris Cushing

SPEAKER_01 0:33

When I looked back at the episode of Bent Not Broken, one conversation stood out above all of the others. My interview with Chris Cushing became the most downloaded episode of the podcast. And I've often wondered why this one. I believe part of the answer is authenticity. Chris didn't come into this conversation pretending to have everything figured out. She talked openly about what it was like to lose herself in her marriage, to navigate divorce and the challenges of a blended family, and also find herself couch surfing while trying to figure out what came next. There was no perfectly packaged transformation. There was simply a woman willing to talk honestly about what happened, what it cost her, and how she began rebuilding. And maybe that's what so many of us are looking for. We don't necessarily need another person telling us how perfect life can be on the other side. Sometimes we need to hear from someone who is willing to say, this is what I went through. This is where I struggled. And this is how I kept moving forward. That's what being authentic looks like. So as I bring back this listener favorite episode, I invite you to listen again or for the first time and think about where you may have lost pieces of yourself along the way. And more importantly, what would it look like to start reclaiming them? Here again is my conversation with Chris Cushing. Today I'm so excited to welcome Chris Cushing, a U.S. Air Force veteran and the owner of VA Victory. Chris has this rare ability to bring calm to chaos, helping visionary leaders find clarity, balance, and direction. When everything feels like it's moving too fast, she's not just a strategist, she's a true co-pilot for those ready to rise. Chris, welcome to Bent Not Broken.

SPEAKER_00 2:43

Thank you so much, Debbie. It's great to be here. I appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01 2:49

When you entered your marriage, what did life look like for you at that time, personally and emotionally?

SPEAKER_00 2:58

So when I entered my marriage, I was worried about how I was going to get out of it. Because I knew I was in it.

SPEAKER_01 3:08

Oh, right from the beginning.

SPEAKER_00 3:11

Yeah, because I knew I shouldn't have been in it in the first place. I knew when he asked me to marry him, I cried. He thought it was because I was happy. I was crying because I'm like, what do I do? What do I do now? How do I get out of this? Because I knew that I shouldn't have married him.

SPEAKER_01 3:33

Why did you say yes?

SPEAKER_00 3:35

Because it's what you're supposed to do, right? Society tells you that you're supposed to go to high school, go to college, get married, have kids, all the things.

SPEAKER_01 3:46

Okay. And where were you at the time? I believe you were in the Air Force at the time that you became engaged.

SPEAKER_00 3:55

Yep. I was in the Air Force. I was stationed in England. And that's actually where I met my ex-husband.

SPEAKER_01 4:04

Okay. Do you think the military's policy of don't ask, don't tell influenced your decision to marry a gentleman?

SPEAKER_00 4:16

No. Because honestly, when I joined the Air Force, it wasn't even on my radar as far as well, don't ask, don't tell, because I was still just trying to figure out who in the heck I was and what my story was going to be. So when he asked me to marry him, I knew that saying yes wasn't the best answer and wasn't the right answer. But I felt at the time I was like, I don't want to hurt him. I probably thought I could figure this out before the wedding, and I didn't. I didn't figure out any of it before the wedding. So I went through it and ultimately ended up hurting him anyway, which is never great.

SPEAKER_01 5:11

He had children from a prior marriage or relationship, correct?

SPEAKER_00 5:16

Correct.

SPEAKER_01 5:17

So not only were you coming into a marriage for your first time, but you're also like a mom, all of a sudden, an instant mom or stepmom.

SPEAKER_00 5:27

That happened about, I don't know, probably not even a full year later, but yeah, it happened. And it was great. There was a lot of hardships, a lot of things that we had to overcome, but I wouldn't change it.

SPEAKER_01 5:42

Some of those challenges of trying to blend in the family with kids.

SPEAKER_00 5:49

There were extenuating circumstances with the kids that we had to face and deal with as a family.

SPEAKER_01 5:57

So at what point in time did you you ended up coming back to the states? Were you still married at the time?

SPEAKER_00 6:05

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 6:06

Okay. And tell us what happened. That's when you met the kids and the in-laws and the whole thing.

SPEAKER_00 6:12

No, we met the Yeah, we met the kids when we were still in England. We flew back to the States. I met my kids and my in-laws on the same day. The kids had to stay in the states for a bit to make sure they had all their immunizations. Then they came to England. And then probably two, two years, maybe three years after that, and we all moved back to the states.

SPEAKER_01 6:37

And is that when things started to really unravel?

SPEAKER_00 6:41

That's when things started to change and then start to unravel. I think it's more of me truly becoming me and me taking those steps to start living authentically.

SPEAKER_01 6:57

What's that story? How did that come to be?

SPEAKER_00 7:00

I met a friend who was gay and he wanted to go to a local bar. So I was like, I'll go with you. You know, I don't have a problem with it. So I went and I walked in the door, and I was like, oh my god, I am home. I'm like, these are my people. It just felt so incredibly natural. And then I had discussions with him and other people there, and then that's when things clicked.

SPEAKER_01 7:31

How did you tell your husband that you planned on moving on without him?

SPEAKER_00 7:39

So I was strategic about it because no matter what type of relationship you're ending, you never know how the other person's going to react. Especially when you hit them with something like, I'm leaving you because I'm gay. So I left. And once I was in a safe place, that's when I told him I was it was via the phone. It wasn't even face to face. You know, and he actually kind of had an idea, but he still was trying to make things work. Like he wanted me to come back, he wanted things to work out for us, and he said, You can come back, but you can't do this or this. So, in other words, you can come back and continue in this relationship and still not be able to be myself and live authentically, which obviously is not gonna work and didn't.

SPEAKER_01 8:40

Right. Because you at the end of the day, you have to be true to who you are.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 8:48

As a veteran who's trained to stay composed under pressure, did that background help or hinder you when dealing with the chaos that unfolded at home?

SPEAKER_00 8:57

I mean, I don't know what unfolded at home. It wasn't chaotic, like it wasn't nasty, it wasn't hateful. There were no screaming matches, no violence. It was conversations. And, you know, I even had conversations with the kids to let them know like this is not your fault. You guys did nothing wrong. You know, this is me. I owned it. I think that there wasn't any chaos. It was certainly not the easiest thing to do. And I know that it could have been far worse, but at one point he actually helped me get back to my home state, which was wonderful. That's when I told him that's when I had the conversation with him that this is why I left.

SPEAKER_01 9:42

What were some of the biggest lessons you learned about trust and truth?

SPEAKER_00 9:47

I think the trust part we are continuing to learn, right? It's trust in myself, be true to myself, listen to myself, which we all don't do enough of, and to know that it's okay if you don't fit inside some box that society has created for you. I mean, why live your life being miserable, doing things that you don't enjoy doing, no matter what it is, just because everybody else is doing it, or that's what we're supposed to do. What we're supposed to do is live a long life, be happy, and love the people that we love. If you can do that, then that's a successful life.

SPEAKER_01 10:35

I agree. And I think you do have to be honest with yourself, and sometimes I think somebody 100% sometimes that's really hard for people to do. Maybe they're afraid to really look at themselves in the mirror and figure out who am I?

SPEAKER_00 10:52

But we nobody likes self-reflection, but it's so important.

SPEAKER_01 10:56

Looking back, were there any red flags or gut feelings you wish you had paid more attention to early on?

SPEAKER_00 11:03

I should have when I started crying, I should have just said no. But I had all of these dreamed up things that could potentially happen if I say no in this moment, none of which were true. I think if I felt that I had a strong enough community there, I probably would have done things differently. In hindsight, I was where I was supposed to be when I was supposed to be there. And you know, I treasure that, and I know that might sound weird, but I know that I made a difference, and that's important.

SPEAKER_01 11:42

I know I had some red flags or that intuition that told me I shouldn't have gotten married, and I didn't listen. But had I not gotten married, I would not have the three kids that I have today. It's put you on a trajectory, but at the same time, I'm trying to figure out for myself, you know, when do I really listen to those intuitions and tell myself it's okay if I'm feeling a certain way or thinking some thoughts, take that pause. And it's okay to take that pause. And I think that's what sometimes we're afraid to do.

SPEAKER_00 12:22

Yes, it's so important because need-reak reactions, you never know exactly what you're reacting to. Like if someone says something and the way you hear it and perceive it is completely different than the way they actually said it. If you take just that split second, take a deep breath and then respond. You know, during that deep breath, you're kind of replaying what the person said, right, and then make your response.

SPEAKER_01 12:53

What helped you reclaim your peace and rebuild your confidence after those experiences?

SPEAKER_00 13:00

My wife.

unknown 13:03

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 13:03

So you tell me how you two met. Tell us how you two met and how you knew that this was the right relationship for you.

SPEAKER_00 13:13

So we met, Zenny Good Lesbian Couple does, at Pride. This one happened to be in Columbus, Ohio. I was there with my then partner and a group of people, and we had walked in one of the entrances, and we were going to find a spot to sit down, throw out a blanket and just chill for a bit. So we did that, and there was a beer truck nearby. So I was like, I'll go and grab us some bears. So I go this bear truck, and it was weird because it was a two-sided Budweiser bear truck. One side was super slow, and the other side was like everybody was on that side. So that's the side I went to. I'm standing in line, and as the line moves forward, I start paying attention to what's happening. The person serving the beer is making people do stuff. Like you have to sing or dance for your drink. Hug the person next to you, tell a joke or something, right? So the closer I get up in line, I'm like, holy cow, what is she gonna make me do? I kind of started panicking a little bit. And I get to the front of the line, and she looks at me and she says, Well, hello there. That was it. I knew right then and there that no matter what happened, I had to be a part of everything that she was a part of.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

It reminds me of the Jerry McGuire movie when Renee Zellweger tells Tom Cruise to shut up because he had her at hello. So it kind of reminds me of that. Yeah. I'm curious, did you ever go through any therapy or counseling, either regarding the divorce or figuring out who you were authentically? No.

SPEAKER_00 15:08

Okay, I didn't because I knew who I was, and I also knew who I wasn't. I knew that I handled the situation as far as my divorce went the best way that I could, given the situation. Did I carry guilt about it and feel bad about it? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, no one intentionally seeks to hurt someone. So yeah, that bothered me for a long time. But I didn't feel like talking to someone about it would help because it just was what it was over time. I was like, okay, that was then, this is now. I can't dwell on it. It's not like I can go back and change it.

SPEAKER_01 15:58

Listeners who may be going through something similar, what advice or encouragement would you share?

SPEAKER_00 16:03

Be true to yourself, be authentic, make sure you're in a safe place. Because again, nobody knows how someone's going to react when they get that information. Just make sure that you take the steps to take care of you and seek counseling if you need it. Reach out to your community.

SPEAKER_01 16:28

Good advice. And finally, Chris, as someone who now helps others find clarity, how is this chapter shaped the way you lead, love, and live today?

SPEAKER_00 16:38

I do all of it authentically. Um, I am unapologetically myself. I work hard, but I enjoy life, which is important in what I help my clients do, right? My clients are people that own their own business and were spending more time working on and in their business instead of doing the thing they love, which is the reason why they started their business. I come in and take care of all of that for them so they can go out and live authentically, do the things that they love, the things that bring them joy, their air.

SPEAKER_01 17:21

Sounds great. Chris, thank you for sharing your story with such honesty and strength. And you're a reminder that even in the storm, we can find clarity, courage, and hope. Thank you for being here today.

SPEAKER_00 17:34

Thanks, Debbie.