Lost in Emotional Abuse: How to Heal, Rebuild & Reclaim Your Life After Divorce | Amanda J. Scott

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to another episode of Bent Not Broken. Heartbreak and trauma may feel like the end of your story, but here it's the beginning of a bold new chapter. I'm your host, Coach Deborah Griffiths, and this is the space where women rise, rebuild, and rediscover their purpose. Remember this truth. You are bent, not broken. What does it take to walk away from a life that looks normal but is quietly breaking you? Today on Bench Not Broken, we're joined by Amanda J. Scott, author of Finding My Way Back to Me. After 17 years in an emotionally and financially abusive marriage, Amanda found the courage to reclaim her life despite isolation, limited resources, and two teenage daughters depending on her. Her story shines a light on how abuse becomes normalized, why so many women stay, and what it really takes to break free. Now she helps others rebuild, heal, and create a new path forward. This is a conversation about courage, truth, and remembering your worth. Welcome to Bent Not Broken, Amanda.

SPEAKER_02 1:26

Hello, thank you. Thank you for having me on your show, Deborah. It's fantastic to be on your show. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:32

Well, I'm glad you're here. So let's dive in. You got a great story. Looking back now, what was the moment, or maybe there was a series of moments when you realized I can't live like this anymore?

SPEAKER_02 1:47

What shifted? I think what happened is one day I had a friend. Well, I didn't have many friends because early on in our relationship, he didn't like me seeing people or friends outside. But I had one friend and she quietly pointed out the way that I was being disrespected. She noticed the things that I'd normalized for years. What were some of those things? Well, the way that I was treated, disrespected, spoken to, the way that I was never comfortable. One minute I went walking with her. And at that time I was walking with her. I returned to the car and I found 12 miss calls, all from my husband. So I was terrified. I thought, well, what had happened? Something had happened. So I called. Where have you been? Why haven't you been answering your phone? You have a phone, pick it up. I've been waiting here for my lunch. Oh my god. Yeah. So this was one of the reasons. How can you one minute be full of joy and the next minute somebody take away that joy from you? Yes? Through uh the power of control over you. And I think she noticed the way that this has happened. And it and at first I brushed it off. I said to her, Well, it's not that bad because we always think, don't we, oh, you know, uh, with relationships as a bit of disrespect. Uh-uh. No. No. Don't accept that any disrespect at all, because that disrespect builds up. And in my case it did. You know, it starts out with one incident of disrespect and becomes two and three until eventually it becomes the way, well, I I lived. And I was told I was stupid. So it doesn't take long for me to believe that. Each time I was treated badly, it became my fault because I thought if I was better, things would be better. And that's how it builds up. Because nobody wants to be unloved and uncared for. So we make excuses for our partner's behavior rather than accept the truth that we are being abused.

SPEAKER_00 4:18

It is so easy to chalk it up like, well, maybe they're having a bad day, or maybe they're in a bad mood. Maybe I really did say that, and I should have said it in another way. We have a tendency, and I'm speaking for myself as a woman who went through something very similar. We find these excuses. And then we put it on us, and we start diminishing who we are. We've given away our power. We've given away, we have no self-esteem.

SPEAKER_02 4:53

Yeah, that's right. So those my friends' words, that was, they planted the seed that I couldn't ignore. And once that little seed's open, and we can get it from a friend, or we can get it from listening to a podcast like this, so we begin to, it it creates a small opening where truth can enter. And then you begin to realize, well, maybe it's not me then. Maybe, and and this moment is a powerful thing. So, really, the first and most powerful step a woman can take is to acknowledge and admit that she's in an abusive relationship. And this little start might seem simple to somebody on the outside, but I tell you, when you are living in it, it is one of the hardest truths to face. So that first step of acknowledgement, you know, and realizing no, it's not just if it's loud or violent. No, it's a silence, it's a walking on eggshells, it's the constantly questioning your worth that is damaging and it's hard to name and it's hard to heal from emotional and financial abuse.

SPEAKER_00 6:18

And it doesn't just happen overnight, it's a period of years where it's this little chip, chip, chip, chipping away at who we are. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 6:28

And we forget we don't have the clarity then. Because we've been chipped away, we don't know what's right or wrong. We're not actually making our own decisions. We make it from fear base, and that's not the right way to make our decisions. We've got to trust our own instincts, and we tend to ignore them. And we keep silent because we think, okay, by keeping silent, but that's not keeping the peace when you're silent. That's not having any peace when you're silent, you know. And that's why the first thing I did was I went walking to the park, and I think that's the most you've got to sometimes get yourself out of that chaos, out of the situation, and go to the park where you can have that peace and know what peace feels like. Yeah, because you need to have clarity of what a healthy relationship is and what an unhealthy relationship is. We put up with that and we forget we live in a world where we forget our values, to be honest. Yeah. And we allow somebody else to define that for us. So I don't think we're not broken. We've just lost a little bit. We've lost pieces of ourselves in all different little areas. We've lost those pieces, and we've just got to get those pieces back. It's not hard. It took me 17 years to get some of those pieces back. But you know, you can do it. You can do it. It's never too late to come home to yourself.

SPEAKER_00 8:06

So once you made that realization, yes, how long and what steps did you take to actually end the marriage?

SPEAKER_02 8:16

Well, I think after that, the steps for me was to really self-care. That was the next step for me. I needed to have a time away from the chaos, and that's when I went to the park. I processed, had a friend, and that is the backbone of your path forward. Having one friend, you know, it you don't need many, you just need one person who's not gonna judge you because we take our time with things getting out of things like this. It's not gonna happen so quickly like that. It's first of all, you've got to internalize it. So it starts when you're going in it, but when you start to recognize it, that's when the healing starts to begin. And and you think of you, you you're actually saying, Oh my no, but you're not actually saying out loud to begin with, because you've got to internalize it yourself first, I think. That's the way to do it. And we all take our own time and at our own pace with it, really. So for me, it was important for me to get to the park, to get out, to start to know what it feels like not to be on edge all the time. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:32

Were you doing this at least once a day, getting to the park or a couple of times a week?

SPEAKER_02 9:36

Okay. That's right. That's when it kicks in. You start to think, no, because don't forget, self-care, putting yourself first, because you put others before yourself, because we think it's loving and loyal and good, but it's not, it only just makes you lost even more. So self-care is a thread, it's a thread that keeps you connected to yourself when everything else is unraveling. And everything was unraveling when this relationship was ending, and it was important for me to get back to that park, yeah, to find the peace, to be amongst the trees and the birds and nature, and just to be present, yeah, to get those emotions out when I needed to, to get the anger, walk with anger, cry. I could do it there, and that's what the most important thing was for me, having that space to breathe. And I think it is you begin to, with your self-care, it shows you that your well-being is worth protecting. So every time you honor yourself, it's rebuilding that self-worth. Every time, because healing doesn't happen all at once, it's not a single decision, it's a daily commitment. And I'm still doing it today. You know, it's still about, it's not like I've forgotten about it. No, I'm still self-care for me. I still go back to that exact park where I went before for a long time. And and you don't need to spend a lot of money with self-care. I don't, it's not you don't need to go and have massages here, just get to the park, just walk, be present. And it's it's sacred, it's really sacred. It was a lifeline for me. It was a lifeline because I needed an hour, two hours just to get out. And then every time you choose yourself, I mean, when you speak up, and I mean, for the first time when I was speaking up, my voice was trembling. But when you start to do it, when you rest, when you cry, when you go to that park instead of returning to the chaos, you are reclaiming pieces of yourself. And that's what it's about. Reclaiming those pieces back.

SPEAKER_00 12:00

So, other than going to the park, and then you had a friend, so you're lucky enough, you were lucky for that, because so many times isolation plays a big part in these type of relationships. Did you do anything else? Did you journal? Did you seek any counseling, or was just the getting out and walking with a passion enough to start rebuilding?

SPEAKER_02 12:27

I think counseling is important as well. Because of course, when you've got children involved, it's important to see whether you can make it work out, to have somebody in the middle to say, okay, well, this is how your wife is feeling. How are you feeling? And what can we do to bring it together? But it clearly wasn't happening. It clearly wasn't working. But I think once you acknowledge it, you might not know all the answers and you might not know what the next step is, but by simply acknowledging it cracks open that. And that is when support comes in as well. You've made, you've admitted it, right? So something's going to happen then. There is support out there, there's a lot of support, and you don't have to do it by yourself. There is support, and it's amazing what happens when you finally say, No, I deserve more. This isn't for me. When you start to say, No, I will not put up with I deserve better than this, and I will not put up with abuse any longer, that things can actually start to change. So it's about believing in yourself, knowing that you deserve a better life and you deserve to respect. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 13:41

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 13:42

But you know, the situation I was in had nothing really to do with what I did or what I didn't do. It was simply because my husband was a deeply insecure man that needed absolute control. And because of my lack of self-worth, I chose to accept it rather than question that. So the deep answer was, yeah, I had grown to believe that I deserved to be treated that way.

SPEAKER_00 14:13

Other than the emotional abuse, was there any physical or financial abuse going on?

SPEAKER_02 14:19

Well, I think what happens is that emotional abuse enables a financial abuse. Because I was too scared to question my husband's decisions. Why? Because all I wanted was peace and for the constant tension of the house to be relieved. So I did what I was told, hoping he would be better. And I think with money situations, I had to ask for money. And the way it made me feel, you know, like I was a burden, that was that I wasn't capable.

SPEAKER_00 14:52

So if you wanted to go shopping to get a new dress or a new pair of jeans, you had to ask. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 14:59

And I think nobody should be, that is not normal. Nobody should be in a partnership when they have to ask for money as though they're like a child. Like begging for money to be able to, no, no. So you need, yeah, I think it's it's clarity. I think you it's first acknowledging what's going on in the relationship. And then it's having clarity, what is right, what is the truth. Because maybe sometimes some women have been brought up that way all the time. So they don't know the difference. Oh, my parents were like that. So they don't know the difference. So until you actually know, okay, no, I'm changing my beliefs and behaviors because it's important. I mean, one of the biggest reasons why I left the marriage was because I wanted to show my children the importance of self-respect. I didn't want them to see that love equals abuse because it doesn't.

SPEAKER_00 16:01

I agree. How did they accept the ending of your marriage? Are they aware of why you left and maybe what you want to show them what being healthy looks like?

SPEAKER_02 16:18

Yes, but don't forget that was difficult at the beginning because what they'd normally been used to was now changing. You know, their mother was changing her beliefs and behaviors. You know, she's now going to the park. She never used to go to the park. You know, what's going on here? This isn't normal. So, yes, you are going to upset a lot of people sometimes. They're going to think you're a bit selfish, but you're not. You are not. You're just showing them the right thing to do. Yes. So it does happen. And speaking up, it was difficult to begin with. It was difficult. But sometimes I must say that maintain your dignity and respect when you're going through the breakup process. Because sometimes you're not used to talking, you turn into the abuser. Because it's like your anger, your humiliation turns to anger and your pain turns to fire, and you start to want to have to control the situation where you don't. Just allow it to happen. Allow the thing to happen and keep your values, keep true to you. Don't be somebody you're not. Because I was some at one point I was turning into him, and I didn't want to do that. You don't need revenge. You don't need that. You just need to be you. Keep your beautiful values of kindness and love and caring throughout it.

SPEAKER_00 17:50

And that can be a challenge, like you said, when you're going through the divorce process and he's still trying to control, and you're gaining your voice, and it seems like you're having to scream with every ounce. But you're right, you have to learn to cut the cord and just take that step back, take that pause and look at the bigger picture and figure out don't want to fight that battle. I'll save the energy to fight this other one.

SPEAKER_02 18:20

Yes, and I think it's really sometimes it's about you've got people around you. You don't have to be an expert in everything, just be you. You've got people around you, you've got the counselors that'll help you. You there's woman shelters. When you're in the courts or you've got the lawyers, you've got the experts. Let that happen. Let all that happen. And don't feel as though it's a fight. You know, you need to focus on the freedom for you to make the choices. Your own choices and your own decisions is priceless, isn't it? Really? There's nothing better than that. And I just knew that I just wanted that. I just wanted to be able to go to the park when I wanted to go to the park and make those decisions. So I was always thinking about that. That part of me was it I wanted to get there. It was better to go through it and get there than to stay in the situation I was in.

SPEAKER_00 19:15

Right. How old were your girls when you separated and began that divorce process?

SPEAKER_02 19:22

Oh, one was 14 and one was going through her HSC. So there's never going to be a very good time. You know, you can't say, well, I'll wait for them all to go to no. No, it's not right. You've got to be able to show them that it isn't right. And there'll never be a good time. You know what I mean? So so it's no point in waiting for that. And it's about thinking about yourself. They will always be happy. And that was one thing that really I knew that they're always going to be happy. They're always going to be happy with their dad and with their mother, or they're going to be happy where we are, whatever happens. So, yes, it was difficult. And as I said before, when you're changing your behaviors and that, they think, oh my God, what's going on with mum? But yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:07

Okay. And that can be challenging ages of in and of itself. They're developing into young women at this age, at this stage of the game. And so, yes, I'm sure it was a little unsettling to see some of these changes and fear. Where do we go from now? How do we process this? Did they get into any kind of counseling or therapy, or were they able to just kind of deal with it?

SPEAKER_02 20:32

Look, I think it's good to have a bit of talk and everything like that. I mean, they had them at a school. I just think it's good for everyone, really, to be honest with you, to chat and express their feelings because too often we try and keep everything on. And I think it's part of our personal growth and our journey in life because there is life experiences and there's knowledge. And with life experiences, we really need to talk about those life experiences. And sometimes it's good to talk to somebody because I think that's really important about connecting to yourself. That's the most important. Connecting to who you are. What is important to you? What does love mean to you? That's really important.

SPEAKER_00 21:22

Now you mentioned that love can sometimes be mistaken for control.

SPEAKER_02 21:26

What are the dangerous beliefs that keep women confusing? Well, as I said before, I didn't see friends. And when I got married, I was convinced of one thing that my husband loved me. When he called me 12 times a day to see where I was, what I was doing, where I was going. In my mind, I thought he cared and loved for me so much. That's why he was calling me 12 times a day, you know, when he criticized the friends that I was going to. So I had very, very few friends. I only had one at the end that I saw secretly, really. I thought. He was concerned for my well-being because I had to think that he loved me because that's what I wanted. I wanted to be loved. So I had to believe that I was loved. And I think what happens there, it's like we just, yeah, we just lose ourselves. You know, we lose contact with people, and with our friends, the only voice I had in my ear was him telling me what to do, telling me I was stupid. So I had no points of reference. Were you ever separated or isolated from your family? Well, my family, yes, they lived elsewhere in England. So yes. So yes, I was. So I didn't have that support. Yeah, I didn't have that support. But sometimes I didn't really want to tell them what was going on. You think, oh, well, maybe it's like that. A bit of disrespect here and there. But as we know, it's not just the bruises and the broken bones. It's it's it's the emotional and the financial that need to be addressed, really. It needs to come up to the light. And it's like, no, you don't. A healthy relationship is a place of safety, of love, of mutual growth. But when you've got abuse there, it strips away at those foundations. And it leaves you living in survival.

SPEAKER_00 23:27

Which is a nice segue to this next question. What are some of the invisible long-term effects of abuse that people don't talk enough about?

SPEAKER_02 23:35

It takes a long time for the emotional abuse to heal from that, to start believing of your self-worth, to build that self-worth, to build your beliefs and change those behaviors. You need to work on that area. So it can, I mean, but when you get through it, it benefits everybody, it benefits the children, it benefits building boundaries. That's one of the hardest things because so many times we're conditioned. So building those boundaries, they're there to protect you. And yeah, I think life is about growing, isn't it? It's about having these experiences, but it's about getting back into yourself, into your building your inner strength. So it's all about building your inner strength.

SPEAKER_00 24:27

What were some of the hardest emotional battles you faced internally as you were leaving this relationship?

SPEAKER_02 24:35

Oh, I think it's you come up, you have to make decisions that feel uncomfortable. You're pushed to your limits at some stage. You're pushed to your limits, and you've got to you you need support to just say, is this the right thing I'm doing? Just as a little bit of confirmation. You're out of your comfort zone. And it's just about trusting yourself. Being with your gut.

SPEAKER_00 25:02

What are some of the things that you did to rebuild trusting yourself?

SPEAKER_02 25:07

Trusting myself again is I would be more in tune. I saw a lot of healers to help me through that. I saw quite a few healers to help me through. And so building good connections with people that wanted to help me out of that situation and trusting my own intuition because I did have a warning sign. There were warning signs, and you can feel it. Before I got into the marriage, there was a warning sign, but you just don't listen to it. And I think it's about trusting yourself, trusting your own instincts. If something feels good, do it. If it doesn't feel good, you know about it. You really do. So the more you are in tune with yourself, the more you know this does feel good. And I was scared after the first. I was scared. There was still fear in my body. And I just think that you don't have to have it all figured out. Because I didn't have it all figured out. Because that is support, you don't have to do it by yourself. I had people come to me. This is the right person to go to, this is the right thing to do. And I trusted that. I thought that feels good, I'll do that. But I always knew at the end there would be happiness. I knew it. I was positive about it, and I knew that there was going to be light at this end of this tunnel. I knew it. I believed it. And if you believe in just that, that there will be light at the end of the tunnel, I'll tell you, you will be the people will come in. You don't need to have it all figured out, and you don't need to think about that because there is help to help you get out of that tunnel. Just you just need to believe that there is light and you will get out and there is a better life for you. And I think it's just a life journey. It's just a constant thing that I'm still doing today is really checking me, you know, a checking, okay, is this what I'm doing? Are the things that I'm doing today, are they aligned with who I am? You know, am I being kind? Am I being respectful? I don't want to go over that line where I'm not. And I just think it's not just getting out of that, it's ongoing. It's an ongoing thing. And it's maintaining your strength, maintaining the connection with yourself, to live the true you, to do things that you really want to do, not to do things that you don't want to do.

SPEAKER_00 27:51

So you talked about going to the park in the past. What are some of the things you do now to maintain your self-esteem, your emotional health? You still go to the park or do you journal now?

SPEAKER_02 28:03

What are some of the steps you have? I think journaling is very good. Yes. Journaling is great. Because with journaling, you can work things out, you can make sense of it, you can put all those emotions on paper. Yeah. You need to get them out on paper, and you can start making sense of things. And I think that's the thing with healing. You need to make sense and understand it so you can move on. But you can move on with those understandings and that momentum. Yeah. So that's really it's about having clarity. So journaling gives you clarity and what you're going through and what you're experiencing and putting those down. And it's with that clarity, then you can say, right, yes, and I love those layers of me when I was scared, when I was ashamed. I love those parts, but I also celebrate the time now that I'm rising, yeah, that I'm forgiving. Because it's about forgiving and all that. And it's about saying, no, I wouldn't change anything. I would never change anything of those 17 years what I went through. I would not change a thing. Because they do that, you become the person, you become better, you groan, you know, you start to realize because I was so much outside of myself, disconnected from myself, that I really needed that time to come back to myself, and something needed to happen. And for me, after the walk in the park and though it's 12 calls, then came the affair. So then came an affair. And I sometimes wonder would I still establish in that marriage if it would only be the 12 calls, yeah? Because I really the truth is I put up with so much without respect that, but that sort of betrayal blindfolded. It takes something like that to say no, enough is enough. I'm not putting up with anything anymore of this, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:10

So that was your hard line, your hard boundary line, that affair. When he crossed that, you knew for sure that was it.

SPEAKER_02 30:19

Yes, and that was it, yeah. So now, of course, my boundaries are not just that, they've changed now. It's your boundaries. What will you not accept? Right. And for some women, it's just when the bruising and the and the broken bones, yeah. And for some women, it's not that, it's it's like an empty bank account. It's like, no, that's not good, and that's not good enough for me, an empty bank account. Yeah, so it saves boundaries, and yes, I have set my boundaries a lot higher now. And because I'm really, it's not like I've got a boundary like a wall, I'm just protecting the peace I've created. It's taken me so long to create inside. Um, I want to keep that peace within me, and that's why my boundaries, yes.

SPEAKER_00 31:10

Well, and having those boundaries is a sign that you respect yourself.

SPEAKER_02 31:14

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 31:16

Nothing wrong with that.

SPEAKER_02 31:18

Absolutely not. Well, you know, people will expect respect you as much as you respect yourself, really. So it's not, you know, it was nothing to do with a person, it was the way I was myself, right? And how you just lose yourself, you lose your values sometimes, and you lose your voice and your boundaries, yes, and your relationships. Uh, you just you're giving everything, you're giving everything.

SPEAKER_00 31:45

And you get lost, you get lost along the way. You've written a book called Finding My Way Back to Me.

SPEAKER_01 31:52

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 31:53

Why did you write it? And tell us a little bit more about it, and how can the listeners get it?

SPEAKER_02 31:59

Well, I think I wrote it because I know that for me, it's no matter where you are and how lost you are, you can always get back through all that. Abuse you can go through. And I just wanted to show how the support is there. The support comes to you. So it's a very powerful quick read of how important respect is. It it's so important in a relationship. Respect and what we might think oh is oh, that's what a relationship it isn't. No, it's not. So I just and I wanted to show that it's amazing how powerful it is. You don't have to have it all figured out because things work out, and they really did, and I did not have anything worked out, and how this beautifully came together. So I'm giving you tips on sometimes maintain that dignity and respect, as I said before, because we can turn into the other, and we don't want that. So I'm showing you that, how that turns in and how helped out of it. And there's a lot of people that will help you once you acknowledge it.

SPEAKER_00 33:18

Did you find writing your book to be cathartic?

SPEAKER_02 33:22

Yes. Absolutely. At times, you know, it was raw and heavy, absolutely. But I can read that book, and that's it's it's a it's a life experience. Right. And it's a life experience at that time, and I've extracted those, it's 43 pivotal days it took me to change my life, you know, in those two years. Because those 43 days were wow. And I it's just to show that you can get there, you can get back to yourself, you can have that freedom, trusting that you can, yes. And it's all for our personal growth, no, but it's about changing those beliefs because changing self-belief is the start of changing everything in your world.

SPEAKER_00 34:12

Right. Now, how can listeners purchase the book? Is it on Amazon?

SPEAKER_02 34:16

Do you have a website? Yeah, my website's amandajescott.com. And uh the book is finding my way back to me. It's on all the platforms. On my website is blogs and information on that. And yeah, and if they want any questions, ask, just send me an email and I'll answer that. I have workshops as well and retreats, and we go through these three steps acknowledging clarity and momentum. And those are the three steps that move you forward out of an abusive relationship.

SPEAKER_00 34:53

Amanda, this has been a great discussion. Thank you for sharing your story. I'll have your book and your website information on the show notes. But again, thank you so much for your time and it's been a great discussion.

SPEAKER_01 35:07

Thank you, Deborah. Thank you for having me on your show.

SPEAKER_00 35:11

Thank you for listening to today's episode of Bent Not Broken. I hope that this episode reminded you that even through life's toughest moments, you are bent not broken. If this message inspired you, please share, rate, review, and subscribe, as it helps us reach more women who are ready to rise and rebuild. And until next time, keep living bold and walking in your purpose.