Divorce Recovery & Reinvention: A Single Mother’s Journey to Stability and Purpose | Gail Showalter

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to another episode of Bent Not Broken. Heartbreak and trauma may feel like the end of your story, but here it's the beginning of a bold new chapter. I'm your host, Coach Deborah Griffiths, and this is the space where women rise, rebuild, and rediscover their purposes. Remember this truth. You are bent, not broken. Today's guest is a woman whose story proves that reinvention is possible at any age, in any season, and after any heartbreak. Gail Schoalter was once living what looked like the perfect life. Three children, a family business, a beautiful home, until betrayal shattered it all. As a newly single mother, she rebuilt her life step by step, returning to college with three children in tow, becoming a braille teacher, publishing her first story, and eventually founding Single Mom's Empowered Ed, a nonprofit supporting single mothers earning degrees that led to stability and independence. Known in Texas as the old bird with feathers of wisdom, Gail blends humor, heart, and a hard-won insight. And as a personality specialist trained in 2000, she spent decades helping women understand themselves, their children, and their patterns that shape their lives. She's a mother, grandmother, author of Living, Learning, Loving, and a Powerful Advocate for Single Moms. Welcome, Gail.

SPEAKER_01 1:44

Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_00 1:46

I'm looking forward to our conversation today. So let's get started. Your life looked picture perfect until everything changed. Can you take us back to that moment when the betrayal shattered the world you had built and how you found the strength to rebuild?

SPEAKER_01 2:06

Well, I had three children in three years, and I really wasn't equipped for that. I mean, I wasn't raised with little kids. You know, I was the youngest of a family. Having diapers every morning, wetbed, all that that goes with that was really overwhelming for me. My husband was working with our family business. He worked for my brother and it looked peachy. Another woman came into the picture and it didn't look peachy anymore. My brother fired him. That just started crumbling everything because our future was not going to be what we had planned for it to be. I had to figure out what I was going to do when he left because I hadn't been working outside the home. And then I had these three little babies. And I had been home with those babies, and they were really, you know, that was really special. And so when I had to take the youngest one and put him in daycare, that was in itself a devastating experience for him and for me.

SPEAKER_00 3:07

I didn't know.

SPEAKER_01 3:07

And he told me that for many years, let me tell you, he didn't like that. But some moms do that without much problem. The kids seem to be okay, everything's fine. But for us, it wasn't. I had to find it. We weren't in an area where there was a lot of choices for daycare. So that was another issue. There weren't a lot of choices for me as far as my work. I had gotten a degree, but it was in theater and art, and it wasn't practical for going out and getting a job. I was fortunate though that the local university allowed me to get a teaching certificate in English by going to classes just that one summer. So I took 12 hours that summer, and that qualified me to get into that certification, which qualified me to get a job. And yet I was thankful that I did and was able to do that. It gave us insurance, steady income, and it didn't make us rich, that's for sure, but it helped. It helped create some stability that my children may not have realized how it could have been if I hadn't done that. But it could have been a lot worse than it was. If I look back on that and what difference it made in my life that I was able to get that sort of job on a, you know, steady job with insurance and benefits, that sort of thing. But yeah, I was brokenhearted. I wasn't prepared, if anybody is prepared for that kind of thing. It took me at least two years to get steady again, to get to where I could function like a normal person without just being in total grief. Because I actually had a counselor at the time that I saw regularly who said to me at one point, it would have been easier on you if he had died. And that may sound brutal, but the circumstances were deeply deceiving with lots of horrible undertones and continuous disappointments and problems for the children, confusion for the children. There was a type of grief that I went through for at least two years. So I always tell people who are going through something like that, be easy on yourself. I kept saying to my counselor, I just want this to be over. I just want to stop feeling this way. You know, it's it like and then I've had grief since then where someone has died, and it's very similar. The feeling you have is a permanent shift in your life. Right. Everything changes, and it's not to your advantage, and you're trying to figure out how to navigate it, the only thing that will ever get you there is that level of acceptance, and even that is very difficult for us to go through.

SPEAKER_00 6:06

I totally understand. You've said that divorce hurts, and I and this is where I can be vulnerable. What did vulnerability look like for you during those early single mother years?

SPEAKER_01 6:19

Ooh, I felt like I was now a statistic. I was now one of those women. Because this was a long time ago, and nowadays it's not as prevalent. It's more prevalent than it was then to become divorced, but it still was happening, even though no one in my family had. I had this feeling in my family like I'm the only one. I'm the only one in the extended family that's going through this. And then you start feeling like, what did I do wrong? There's that vulnerability of everybody thinks I must have done something wrong. I had a neighbor, I won't ever forget her. She's no longer with us, but she got me on the phone and she said something to this effect. I'm sure it's very difficult when you have failed at your marriage. Oh my. Oh, yeah. My husband walked out with another woman, but she was saying how I might feel like I failed. And I didn't feel like I had failed. I thought I had done everything anybody could do. In fact, the first words out of my mother's mouth when I had to tell her was, You've done everything you could do. And that meant something to me. So I tell people, these women, if you have a contact with a woman going through this, be kind, have empathy, be considerate of where they are and what they're dealing with. I felt vulnerable.

SPEAKER_00 8:00

Oh, I bet. And not only when you go through a divorce, it changes your friends. If you as a couple had other friends as couples, all of that dynamic changes. And sometimes you lose friendships. Not only are you losing your husband, your partner, your spouse, you could be losing friends as well. So it's tough.

SPEAKER_01 8:21

Yeah, and in other groups that maybe you associated with, you don't know what to do about it. And there was even because of the circumstances, for a while, a huge strain between me and my brother. That was eventually healed. But, you know, at the time I was betrayed by my husband, but I felt like my brother hadn't seen what he could have done differently, and never did really. But that in itself was another hardship to go through within the mixture of the family.

SPEAKER_00 8:54

Returning to college as a single mom of three takes incredible courage. What pushed you to take that leap? And what did those baby steps teach you about reinvention?

SPEAKER_01 9:04

Well, I how much time do we have today? Yeah, it took me a couple of years, like I said, to get back on my feet. The thing is, I knew that if I was going to stay in education in Texas, if you're going to be a teacher, the one way you can increase your salary is to is to increase your degree, your level of education. So if you go back and you get a master's degree, that bumps you up to another income level. I needed that to improve my retirement. I always tell moms when I tell this story, you know, it's looking at things one step at a time, not trying to eat the whole Angel, not thinking, oh, that's too much, I can't do that, but to look at it one step at a time. And nowadays you can get it research at your fingertips. If you have an interest in something, you have a question about something, just look it up. What I did was I started looking at two major universities in Texas where I thought if I got another degree, I could have gone to a local university, but I wanted it to be really significant so that it would be on my resume for the future, it would make a difference. I ended up, I won't get into too much, but I got in to the University of Texas one step at a time. Now that's five hours from where I live.

SPEAKER_00 10:20

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_01 10:21

I have three little children. So I'm thinking, can you really do this? I took one step at a time. I took the GRE, didn't do as well as I'd like, so I had to get other things. I didn't say maybe I'm not meant to do this. I went ahead, took another step, got in, no problem. They said, you'll be here on probation. So I made A's, but I still didn't have a place to live. And it was too late to get in family housing, and I didn't have a place for my kids to stay. And if you know the size of the University of Texas, it's about 40 acres, I think. It's really big, spread all out. And so a friend of mine was looking for us a place to live just for those three months in the summer when I could go to school. And so we had two days left before I was going to give up all of my deposits. And she called. I found you a little apartment that you can sublet with furniture, with dishes in it. I said, Oh, that's gonna be great. Now what do I do? I went back again, and the university, ironically, I had a grant that year for returning students for older students, which you had to be 23 to be an older student. Well, I was well past 23. And so I they gave me a list, 100 daycare centers, 100 to go through. And so I thought, this is massive. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? Then I started looking at it. I thought there are some places I'm not gonna let my kids stay. Other places are way too expensive. But there was a church in downtown Austin. I visited with the lady who was very old at the time. She took me through the whole church and she said, Can I enroll your kids? I said, I've got three little kids and I'm just gonna be here. Yes, ma'am, I know. This is really unusual. People need to know because during the summer, people, parents, hold those spots. They pay for them even if their kids aren't going to be in them so that they hold them. But she enrolled all three of my kids. Now, the really neat part of a story is that there was a shuttle bus the university had, but it looked like a spider web. It ran all over, all around Austin, all over into town into the campus. You could catch a bus, but you never knew where it was going to end up. It just so happened that one of those buses stopped at the corner half a block from our apartment. And we could get on that bus free of charge. That bus ended up at the corner of the child care center. So I go in, I can let my kids out. Ten minutes later, I can catch one of two buses at that corner, and this is what I love, and they all go directly to the front door of the education building where all my classes were. I had to be determined to just take one step at a time and let the universe open the doors for me. I tell this story to mom so that they will understand that you can't always make everything perfect, but you can take a step at a time toward a goal. The next summer I got into family housing because I knew ahead of time what to do. But you see, that in itself inspires me when I think back about things. You don't know how things are gonna turn out. That one is for the moms who are thinking about doing something bold, getting out there and doing something. Maybe you don't know how it's gonna work, but this is a goal you have. I work with single moms who are in college. They don't know how they're gonna get out, what they're gonna do, and we help them get through baby steps at a time.

SPEAKER_00 14:04

You didn't set out to start a nonprofit, yet Single Moms Empower Ed has changed countless lives. What was the spark that started it? And how has the mission evolved over time?

SPEAKER_01 14:16

It's definitely been evolutionary because I didn't start with all of my plans in a row thinking this is what we're gonna do ultimately. I simply got remarried 16 years later. I got remarried and had a nice home. I wanted to do something for single moms. So I started having events in my home. It worked out. I thought this is good, we're having fun. People had a lot of help doing it because a lot of women want to help other women. We also started having retreats at a lovely retreat center, and those were very successful. The problem I was seeing was whatever we did was really good for the moment, but it really didn't go forward. It didn't pay forward for these moms. I was with an organization that provided grants for single moms. Anybody in your audience who needs a grant, I have this organization covers the United States as well as Canada. I'd be glad to share that with people. We need something like these other programs, but to establish one with an organization takes loads of money that we didn't have. So we started small. We got one mom through college. She's now a social worker. Then we got another mom. We usually focus on two years at a time. We had enough money to help with tuition and to help with childcare, which is a really big deal for single mothers trying to reestablish their lives. They have to have a way to feed their children while they're going to school.

SPEAKER_00 15:47

Right.

SPEAKER_01 15:47

They can't just quit their jobs. And so we provide for that. Everyone is different, everyone has different needs. And so we treat them individually. I now have a board and I don't do a lot of the work. And so it's been a real win-win-win all the way through. Here in Southeast Texas, we are the only ones doing what we do here. There are other organizations in the country that are doing this, trying to help single moms get through school. It makes a change in our economy and in our culture in so many ways, it trickles down to the children. Last May we had a graduate, and when she came across the stage getting her diploma, her little girl stood up in the audience and screamed as loud as she could, that's my mama. It's helping this next generation as well. When you reach out, there are ways that one ripples into the next generation. And we're really happy it's really exciting to see what happens.

SPEAKER_00 16:44

Oh, that's a great story. And you know, going through a divorce, you become part of that statistic. So many become statistics into poverty, and now your organization helps them not be any more of a statistic than they already are and totally empowers them. And you're right, the next generation that sees that is empowered as well. I love it. After coaching single moms for nearly two decades, what patterns do you see in the women who thrive versus those who stay stuck?

SPEAKER_01 17:18

Well, I learned after coaching single moms for a while, I learned that the ones that were still stuck were the ones that didn't have any kind of a job certification. Now, you don't have to have a college degree. You can bake cakes and create your own business, which is what I'm encouraging one mom to do right now. But you can take your own skills and create an income. I know women who clean houses, but they do it like it's a full-time job and they do it really well, so they have income. But the moms that I saw that were really stuck needed something more. If they had two years where they could go to a school that offered two-year degrees, like radiology, dental hygiene, those types of things. We have one that did police, she's a police officer. She went to the local technical school for that. So what I'm saying is those women were able to get unstuck and move on and provide for their families. Most women really want to do that. They don't want to live off the government. That's not their the women I meet do not want that. But sometimes they just have no options, you know, depending on their hop their background and what happened to them. And we could go on and on about that and what causes the problem. But that's what I see the women are stuck because they don't have enough options to get out and do more for their families.

SPEAKER_00 18:48

You're trained as a personality specialist. How does understanding personality types improve parenting, especially for single moms who are juggling so much?

SPEAKER_01 18:58

Oh boy. I have a giveaway. I have a personality chart for parents because I'm really big on this. I've been doing this for over 25 years. I really believe in it because I've seen what it does in my relationships. I wish I had known this when my children were young because each one is different and I would have treated them differently. I thought everybody's got to be treated the same. The one program I started with was the Littower program. You can look that up. I became associated with Florence Littower, Marita Littower, her daughter. They have published numerous books. They're still available. I have created my own profile chart which shows you if you're this personality and your child is this personality, what do you need to be aware of? I do workshops on that, but this little worksheet is available to anyone who emails me and asks me for it. And that way, you know, I'll I admit I get their email address. But the thing is, it's very worthwhile. Also, have recommendations on my website for books and links to articles about personalities. Personality, you know, everybody's born with a personality. And that simply means we have a tendency towards a certain nature. If you've gotten around children, raised children, you know this is true. Uh, some people don't like the personality thing, they think you're pigeonholing people. I try to explain, no, you're just identifying a person's tendencies. Some people are very laid back about everything. And some of us are not. Some of us are real pushy, proactive. Some of us are fun loving, and some of us are perfectionist. So there's differences in how people respond to situations. And definitely, parents, our parents parent their children differently, depending on the personality. I use an example that Florence Liz Hare used to use. The mom who's the fun lover, bright colors, bright fingernail polish, goes to school to bring cupcakes for her little boy's birthday. But the little boy is a very peaceful, phlegmatic type. And he's embarrassed by his mother. And the mother doesn't, she's clueless. The thing is, you wouldn't be clueless if you studied this, if you understood where the other person is coming from, whether it's your child, your spouse, your friend, your workers, your boss. You know, it helps a lot to understand this. And my husband and I swear by it.

SPEAKER_00 21:39

No, I find that really interesting. I have three kids, two boys and a girl. All three are different personalities. They really don't look alike. I say I have a his and her boy and a combination girl. But what I realized is they weren't born with instruction manuals. How do I know what to do with these? And you're right. They have three different personalities, and I could not discipline them each the same way because it wouldn't resonate. You know, my daughter, if she knew I was mad at her, she didn't like anybody mad at her. If I just gave her the stink eye, she'd go right into place. My boys are a little different, they were a bit more challenging, but it's amazing the personalities. I love it.

SPEAKER_01 22:22

I encourage mothers to look at that all the time and how you respond to them, how you talk to them, makes huge difference. And even as they are grown, they still have that personality as grown people.

SPEAKER_00 22:35

Loveliness is one of the deepest struggles for single moms. What would you say to a woman who feels isolated, unseen, or overwhelmed right now?

SPEAKER_01 22:44

Oh boy. The first chapter in the book is about solitude. And a lot of times when you become divorced, the first thing you do is what they call running. You start going places. I want to be out with people. Maybe I want to find another husband. Maybe I want to find another man. Maybe I want to get involved in this activity or that activity. Instead of using that time to sit back, look at yourself, and I do use this phrase, do a complete autopsy on the previous relationship before you get into another relationship that's just like it, which happens over and over. Yeah, I believe in spending some time in solitude, not too much, not to the point where you're isolating, which I tend to do, but you know, use some time for solitude. And you will, if you study it, if you look it up, you will find that there's some real values, even for your physical health, in spending some time alone. If you're still with children and you don't have any way to get away from the children after they go to bed, take a bubble bath. Do something just for yourself and without a lot of human interaction. So that you can hear the still small voice that will speak to you, but not loudly. You need to hear it, but be alone when you hear it. I'm a big advocate of that. I know that women do get overwhelmed. This is part of what will help you if you're overwhelmed. Planning, I always encourage moms to have a calendar. Most people have calendars in their phones these days. It doesn't matter where you have it, but if you have a calendar that helps you to plan, you don't get overwhelmed quite as easily because you know, okay, on this date I'm going to do this, but I'm not going to have to think about it until then. You can plan around your paycheck. I got paid once a month, which wasn't easy, but I was able to plan grocery shopping and things on the calendar. I'm a real big believer in that, not to the point of being too meticulous, but to give yourself relief. You don't have to think about everything at once and let it keep piling in on you. So that's a couple of things I would suggest.

SPEAKER_00 25:04

Your book, Living, Learning, Loving, is filled with wisdom born from real life. What is the most important message you want single mothers to take away from it?

SPEAKER_01 25:13

You can do this. Believe in yourself. But give yourself a break. Don't be too hard on yourself, but believe in your abilities to reach the goals that you have. And I believe we do have within us something that tells us, well, you could do X, Y, or Z. Don't be unreasonable about it. I know a mom who's become widowed, and I've been encouraging her to bake cakes. She bakes the most wonderful pound cakes you've ever tasted. And she could make a living. I knew another mom who made dog treats and made a business out of it. You know, she got a big oven eventually baked these treats. But I'm just saying there are things people do every day to overcome the situation they're in. Believe that you are capable of doing that. Watch some movies and things about women who have done it. There are some great stories out there about women who have achieved great things on their own. Don't let naysayers take over your brain. Don't let anybody in your family or friends be a naysayer and tell you you can't do such and such. Just don't listen to it.

SPEAKER_00 26:34

I agree. You're remarried now and living a life filled with purpose. What encouragement would you offer to women who fear their best years and their best love are behind them?

SPEAKER_01 26:46

Well, let me begin by saying I have chronic illnesses. I have days when I don't feel like functioning. I'm looking at major surgery in January. Don't look at me and think I've got it all figured out. I'm old and I feel old. You know, every day isn't easy, but I don't expect it to be easy. And and I know that women who have done things that I like to emulate also didn't have it easy. I always think of Eleanor Roosevelt. Can I overcome this? And if so, what do I need to do today? Not a whole year, not everything in a month. I mean, I've started another book. I don't know if I'll ever finish it, but it's gonna be good if I do. But the thing is, every day is a little stepping stone towards something that can keep you going. As you get older, it really helps to have a goal that is broken down into stepping stones you can reach. Be reasonable, set something reasonable. Do research, look online, look online, find out what other people have done that are in your situation and read and study and think and pray about it.

SPEAKER_00 28:09

I agree. Gail, this has been a fascinating issue. I really appreciate your time. Thank you so much. Do you have any website or how can people purchase your books?

SPEAKER_01 28:22

Um well, it's real easy. GailShowWalter.com is the website.

SPEAKER_00 28:28

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 28:28

And it's the books are available anywhere if you order them. The place I like to direct people to is Borns and Noble.

SPEAKER_00 28:37

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 28:38

Because that helps me get the counts up and the book is there under my name. Living, learning, loving, Gail Showwalter. I always appreciate book reviews too.

SPEAKER_00 28:49

Absolutely. And the quiz you were talking about, the personality quiz, is that on your website or is there another one?

SPEAKER_01 28:56

No, this chart, they'll have to request the chart for me to email it to them. Okay. It's the Personalities for Parents chart, and they can just email me, Gail at GailShowWalter.com. I will send that to them.

SPEAKER_00 29:10

Okay, perfect. I'll have all of that in the show notes for our listeners. Gail, thank you so much again. I really enjoyed this discussion.

SPEAKER_01 29:18

I did too. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 29:20

Thank you. Thank you for listening to today's episode of Bent Not Broken. I hope that this episode reminded you that even through life's toughest moments, you are bent not broken. If this message inspired you, please share, rate, review, and subscribe, as it helps us reach more women who are ready to rise and rebuild. And until next time, keep living bold and walking in your purpose.